When you work in a sports office (or at least sit at a desk located in a sports office) random pieces of memorabilia and literature find their way onto your desk. Often you have no idea how they arrived, so they just sit there occupying space, and sometimes embarrassing you.
Example: inexplicably on my desk right now there’s a copy of In a heartbeat, the book written by the Tuohys, the brave and incredibly rich white collar heroes from The Blindside. It will never be read, but it can’t be moved because it landed there on its own, and it’s earned that place. These are the laws of the sports office.
But there’s another, far more fantastic football-related book that found itself on my desk too, and I’ve read this one cover-to-cover multiple times. Whatever you’re doing right now, you need to stop, and buy Dan Cuison’s Pro Football Halftime Activity Book.
He’s not paying me to write this, honest. Cuison’s 41 pages of awesome give you a way to occupy yourself during those 15 minutes every Sunday when your significant other may attempt to squeeze in some kind of domestic chore. Or, perhaps worse, you eat your seventh meatball sandwich of the day.
The book takes you back to those kindergarten days of glory when you’d get a coloring book and make the grass purple, just because you could. Only this time, you get to connect dots to make Tom Landry’s hat, color in a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, and match the famous mustache to the famous football face.
And it gets better. Much, much better.
From the Amazon.com description:
NFL fans can relish in their team’s victories—and even challenge some of their fumbles—in this hilarious book full of mazes, word scrambles, football ad-libs, and more. Whether styling Troy Polamulo’s hair, helping Plaxico Burress pick his next self-mutilating weapon, or directing Jim Marshall to the correct end zone, these humorous and irreverent activities tackle football’s famous—and infamous—players, games, coaches, cheerleaders, and half-time performers. Superfans can rethrow the immaculate reception, connect the dots on a Green Bay cheesehead, decode Ditka’s secret code. Sure to delight all football enthusiasts, this send-up of the revered athletes and their exploits is perfect for Super Bowl parties, tailgates, and commercial breaks.
Here are a few of my favorites…
Can you fill in Dennis Green’s blanks?
I’m not sure if Dennis Green could fill in Dennis Green’s blanks.
If only it was this easy, Bills fans
Quite appropriately, only one of the six options is going through the uprights.
One of the few remaining ways that Boomer Esiason is useful
Just be thankful Cuison didn’t go with T.J. Houshmandzadeh.
Pursuing pictorial justice
Welp, we know that O.J. Simpson would never, ever wear an oven mitt, so that’s out.
A visitor’s guide to the Factory of sadness
I have to pick 10? I can only see one item that wouldn’t be permitted. Dog the Bounty Hunter isn’t allowed to further disgrace Cleveland’s majestic shoreline.