Wedding bliss isn’t complete anymore without rampant consumerism. Even the most glittery rich couple needs more shiny things, an addiction that’s highlighted every summer when the latest class of NFL players and football WAGs who’ve snagged their life-long meal ticket exchange vows.
Last summer we were amused by the wedding registry for the knot tying between Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari that was eventually canceled, and then rescheduled. Now Cutler is stuck walking a yappy yet ferocious tiny mutt. True bliss indeed.
The latest wedding registry to surface is for the upcoming ceremony between Patriots wide receiver Wes Welker and bikini model Anna Burns, with the Burns-Welker aisle walking set for June 24. The items are going fast, so if you’re struggling to decide what to get Wes and his new bride, we have a few suggestions.
1. Lime Juicer
An essential household item for making cocktails, and thus also an essential household item for any happy, long-lasting marriage.
Rich people are still lazy people.
I won’t eat asparagus unless it’s cooked in some kind of stainless steel apparatus.
4. Gravy boat
From the Williams-Sonoma description:
This clever serving piece makes a sophisticated presentation of everything from all-American turkey gravy to classic French hollandaise.
The Welker household has to have an abundance of inanimate objects that are sophisticated. After coming home from a day of work alongside Rob Gronkowski, the warming glow of sophisticated vibes will restore all the brain cells that evaporated throughout the day due to Gronk overexposure.
You reach a certain status in life when red plastic beer cups filled by having your single-serving party patrons stumble to a mini keg isn’t acceptable anymore, which is a damn crime. Posh, mouth-blown glass should suffice for your drinking needs.
Thanks for the registry, Busted Coverage. Welker forgot to mail our personalized version.