Fire ants aren’t friendly creatures. They like to eat things. Anything, really, and they’ll bring a few hundred friends for a nice meal of human skin, dead animal, or whatever. Kind of like this…

Ants have no place in pants, but especially not flesh-eating fire ants. Oh, and if you’ve somehow discovered that you’re allergic to ants that already eat skin for fun, that sucks too. Right, Lawrence Vickers?

The new Cowboys fullback had an incident yesterday at practice. He had ants in his pants. Lots of them, and during another recent outdoor workout he discovered that he is indeed allergic to fire ants after he was bitten, and the quick result was neck swelling and wheezing.

Now he carries an EpiPen wherever he goes, because it seems he’s central to the ants’ world domination plot. Or perhaps this is connected to the zombie apocalypse.

So when the ants crawled into his man region yesterday, Vickers understandably began to panic. He ran off the field and left practice for about an hour, and luckily he was fine after receiving a shot of Benadryl from team trainers. Later while speaking to reporters he shared some sound wisdom with men everywhere.

From Larry Brown Sports:

“I was trying not to squeeze myself in front of women out there,” Vickers said. “I wanted to pull my pants down and run inside, but I couldn’t do that. When those ants get close to those testicles, there ain’t no laughing about that.”

Amen, Lawrence.

Comments (1)

  1. Too bad there’s no kinda protection foro a guy’s testicles, when it comes to fire ants! Even B4 practice in the afternoon, or, whenever, the whole, as well as the complete practice fiels should be covered w/Ortho fireant killer, about 5 or 6 times, b4 any preactices even start. But, U also gotta make sure that the wind isn’t blow’n eoither, or, u’ll lose sll that u’ve put down.

    Also, B4 each game, even hours B4 each game, since this is fireant season, the play’n field, no matter if dry or, wet, Ortho fireant killer ahould be putr down, on the field way b4 the game starts. this way, this is to insure that any of the players that are allergic to fireants will not get bitten during the game. But if some do, Get them to the containment ares, and get them injected with benedrill A.S.A.P.!

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