When DeSean Jackson was searching for a place to invest his paychecks some time ago, his mere ambition to do something creative with any money at all was encouraging since 78 percent of NFL players are broke within three years of their retirement.
When his investment decision involved a bunch of homeboys who chill in west coast kitchens and spit hot rhymes, that was bad, but it was so very DeSean Jackson. The Eagles wide receiver is now deep into the rap game, which for an NFL player is kind of like attaching a vacuum to the other end of your wallet, and never turning it off. He’s the subject of an article in the Philly Post today that chronicles his kingpin status and shows him chillin’ on a yellow Ferrari, because that’s how they roll deep in the hood.
His rap label is called Jaccpot Records, and Jackson is the CEO who hovers over a bunch of talent assembled largely from friends who hail from his hometown of Long Beach, California. Jaccpot’s first album will hit a bargain bin near you a few days before Eagles training camp opens later this summer, and aside from the spelling of the company’s name, the problem is Jackson’s close business relationship with his boys. Hey, maybe he’ll make me and others eat our words, but rich athletes funding business ventures with their otherwise average friends usually doesn’t end well.
It starts with a bar tab that’s over $10,000 when the lights turn on, and ends with another broke athlete despite the millions he made in his younger days. Jackson began funding Jaccpot last summer, signing on to support a diamond-studded operation when he was still making a minimal salary by NFL standards under his rookie contract. In March he signed a five-year deal worth $47 million, so the operation could grow bigger, and so could Jackson’s debt.
But nevermind those unimportant details. We’re more interested in Jackson’s rapping skills, because our culture needs more athletes who enjoy the smell of their own flatulence, and spit that methane into a microphone. So skip to about the three-minute mark in the video below…
I didn’t hear a word you said, DeSean. I don’t speak Spanish.
Hopefully Jackson stays in mostly a managerial role as the CEO and lead 22-pound chain wearer. Because if he doesn’t, he’ll be adding to a deep and rich legacy of NFL players who sound like some vicious concoction of Vanilla Ice and Lil Bow Wow while trying to rap.
Come with me, and let’s count just a few of the ways our ears have bled.
5. Asante Samuel’s hobby during the lockout
We’ve heard rumors that during their union-busting attempts the league held up large boom boxes outside of NFLPA meetings, and they played this song. When the union heard what the lockout was doing to its players, the erosion began.
4. MAYBIN MAYHEM
Yep, that’s Aaron Maybin.
Sure, he began to turn his career around this past season after being signed by the jets and recording six sacks. But at the time of this recording he was still a colossal first-round bust who had zero sacks over two years in Buffalo after being the 11th overall pick in 2009.
So pay particular attention to the line that says “Aaron Maybin, quarterback cravin’.”
3. Deion Sander shows you how much he enjoys looking at himself
No one enjoyed a deep, longing gaze into a mirror like Deion did at the height of Primetime, his alter ego that still surfaces every time his voice unnecessarily reaches an alien octave on TV.
2. Miami said we gonna knock you OUTTTTT
We enter the group rapping and team portion of our presentation with enough Zubaz to clothe Rob Gronkowski for several years, a Hooters girl, and an evaporating Bills helmet.
1. Fools be crankin’
“You know I got a bad girly, back home where she’s cookin’ on some neck bones.”
Ladies and gents, your 2005 Bengals.
It’s not rap, and I’m no country music yokel, but this little diddy from Terry Bradshaw is surprisingly OK…