It’s still a month until training camp, and over two months until meaningful football is played. You’re mad, lost, and scared. You assume that NFL players do things to prepare for the season. Things like run, lift weights, and eat apples. Like your kindergarten scrapbook that’s filled with sand and stick men, our Offseason Scrapbook will track the travels and trials of NFL players through their social media rantings during this time of freedom.

It’s been a while since we last did one of these, and I can’t think of a better way to jump back into the offseason hijinks and Twitter musings of NFL players than to spotlight a tight end who has 10 career catches.

Previously we went for bigger names, delving into Brent Grimes‘ offseason and his insightful thoughts about record-setting toe nail lengths, and then checking in with Joe Haden, who’s been keeping it real by spending time with monster trucks and Erin Andrews. No big deal.

Now we’ve arrived at Tom Crabtree, who’s primarily used as a blocking tight end by the Packers.┬áRemarkably, every link back to Crabtree’s Twitter account in this post or Twitpic/Instagram image is from just the past week or so. Yeah, he’s been pretty busy watching Disney movies and observing douchiness in ads.

Combine his inaction during the season with the same stagnancy in the offseason, and what you’re left with is a mind that’s a little twisted. For example, since he’s given the time to keenly observe so much during the average football game, Crabtree’s observational skills during every day life have been enhanced. And that’s why, like a regular Don Draper, this offseason he’s taught himself to critically analyze the hidden signs and symbols in advertising.

For those of you wondering: yes, there is a way to wear your watch that makes you look like a complete asshole. According to Crabtree, if that’s the look you’re going for, modern culture tells you to roll with this…

See, NFL players are normal people too. When they see a man who has slept with supermodels trying to sell us something we can never afford, what’s their first thought? Yep, asshole.

Crabtreee’s other cultural observations reflect another important title in his life: father. He has a warning for other fathers who aren’t monitoring their child’s literature decisions closely…

His public service announcements for fathers this offseason have also included a wise word of caution. If your favorite movie is Lady and the Tramp, don’t watch it repeatedly in front of your son, especially if you think the Siamese cats are absolute dicks, because getting angry at cute animals in front of your child is never wise. He’s also convinced that time travel will never exist, because there are no future beings walking amongst us. That’s logical, yet also depressing and chilling.

But what’s most impressive about Crabtree’s offseason is his developing taste in fashion. First, he pioneered what will surely become the Packers’ new mandatory game-day haircut…

And then he showed off Green Bay’s new helmet…

We can only assume that he’s been wearing that fire hat around the house all offseason. Especially when he’s doing this, a time when safety is a primary concern…

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