Brian Orakpo’s commercial career hasn’t started down the same path as Peyton Manning’s, who’s charmed us with milk mustaches and chants of “DECAF!”. No, the Redskins linebacker has made far less sense in his attempts to sell us stuff we don’t need or want. He lost a date to the pancake social while playing a form of Scrabble that inexplicably allows players to use an infinite number of letters. Sorry, Brian, I’m only swayed by advertisements that are factually correct.
But he saved his most painful commercial moment for a lip-syncing spot with one of the most annoying people in the world.
I’ll give that ear worm a few more seconds to firmly wedge itself into your mind for the rest of the afternoon. Done? Alright, carrying on then.
That video surfaced yesterday, and it shows Orakpo becoming just the latest Redskin to get the Eastern Motors treatment, the Washington car dealership that aims to showcase each players’ inability to dance and fake sing. At least previous attempts have briefly included other dancing that’s far easier to look at. There are no circumstances in which Gilbert Gottfried is pleasing to the eye.
But the Orakpo-Gottfried collaboration was good for something, as it inspired me to seek other awful commercials featuring NFL players. The highlights of the resulting list below are dancing girls around a large man, Leodis McKelvin’s repeated sports memorabilia interceptions, and Jake Delhomme fearlessly defending your biscuits.
7. Jonathan Ogden is a happy giant among dancing, frolicking women
We’d like to imagine that if Ogden was ever in a real car accident, the resulting discussion would end in a circle of blond women waving their hands like they just don’t care.
6. Leodis McKelvin is such a jerk to shop with
He does this in every store. The worst is when the McKelvin family needs new cookware and visits a Williams-Sonoma. Glass everywhere.
5. Joe Namath wears pantyhose while sober
At the time, this probably made ol’ sideburns even more desirable.
4. Can you Moss?
If Moss’ name used as a verb actually means to try whenever I damn well please and accept only straight cash homey in all transactions, then yes, I can definitely “Moss.”
3. Carson Palmer’s sausages are bigger than your sausages
What? They are.
2. Emmitt Smith’s green shirt is greener than your green shirt
Annnd now you’re humming that song while the mental image of a gyrating Smith gets carved into your head. Sorry.
At least it’s fighting off the Orakpo tune, I guess.
1. Jake Delhomme: Defender of the Bojangles
Delhomme will defend your biscuits to the death.