I recently started to watch Breaking Bad from season one, mostly because I live my life several years and sometimes decades behind the rest of society. I’ve also started to collect Pogs.

If we set aside the meth cooking and cancer, there’s a basic lesson we can learn from Walter White: if there’s an opportunity to make a lot of money, human survival instincts promptly pull us towards that quick path to cash. Even if it’s illegal, and even if it can ruin someone’s reputation.

There’s a woman somewhere in the southern United States who saw that quick path the same moment she claims to have seen Terrell Owens…all of Terrell Owens. Since you’re desperate to see pictures of Owens masturbating on the Internet, she’d like to show them to you. What a nice lady.

We touched on this story earlier in our morning links, but this anonymous woman’s blatant attempt to zap every last remaining dollar from Owen’s drained bank account make her tale worthy of mention here again in a bit more detail. While speaking to the Philadelphia Daily News, she described a new, apparently fulfilling and stress free hobby Owens has developed to presumably cope with his lack of success in the Indoor Football League, and his hovering baby mammas.

He talks on Skype with total strangers, and masturbates. All the cool kids are doing it.

She says they met through Twitter, and when the first Skype conversation began he was well into his, um, process. Oh please tell us more, Dan Gross, who received several of the non-masturbation screen grabs from the woman as proof (one of which is pictured above):

During their first Skype encounter, the woman claims, Owens was already naked and erect when the video call began. She estimates watching Owens pleasure himself on 10 separate occasions during which she denies exposing herself or talking dirty.

She says Owens would “tell me things he wanted to do to me.”

Sounds like completely normal behavior, no? Hell, have your kinky fantasies, T.O. You’ve earned some kind of pleasure in life by now. It’s a little odd that the woman of your desire apparently remained fully clothed, but hey, whatever works man.

Owens has admitted that it’s him in the pictures sent to the Daily News, which proves that he was talking to her. While that’s a little odd in itself, Owens talking to a complete stranger online only proves that he’s weird and unpredictable (surprise!), and that he may be lonely now that every aspect of his life sucks. It doesn’t prove that he’s actually dumb enough to visit the joyful metropolis of Pleasure Town multiple times with a random woman watching, knowing the video could and likely would find a home on Internet at some point.

Which brings us to the point where this woman’s story begins to disintegrate, and she reveals another vindictive motive beyond money.

Again, from Gross…

We asked why she was trying to sell the pictures and brief video clip, and it turns out it’s because Owens stopped responding to her on Skype, she says.

“He was getting back with his girlfriend and sent a few replies like, ‘Who is this? I don’t know you,’” she said. “The money is a bonus, but he needs to know not to do stuff like this.”

Both TMZ and Deadspin turned down the photos, and in his response Owens pointed to that as evidence that she’s simply using him as part of an extortion plot. We’re agreeing with Owens here, which is why after writing this post I’m going to hide in the secret GLS bunker, a wise investment I made shortly after Tebow toast was purchased for $85.

While she’s shopping her pictures the woman is using the e-mail address of an escort who lives in the Seattle/Portland area, meaning she’s affiliated with an escort, or is one herself. Either way, she’s well versed in the fine art of obtaining sleazeball money.

Owens will receive the expected beating for this by those who can’t see through one woman’s desperation for cash and attention. But eventually, he’ll be given what he deserves: peace, and the right to fade away quietly.