I’ve learned a lot about the state of our society this morning. Namely that bowel movements are still prioritized over ass whoopings, and that there are people in our world who lack the intelligence to differentiate between Gerry Sandusky and Jerry Sandusky, and are therefore harassing Gerry, not Jerry. Between that, the genuine belief a few months ago that the sinking of the Titanic was a fictional event, and the existence of an upcoming movie in which Abraham Lincoln hunts vampires in the underworld, I was ready to check out, and never speak of this Earth again.

But I wasn’t aware at the time that I was lagging behind a little, and missed an item that surfaced last night which should make us all shed tears for our world, hug our loved ones, and do whatever it is that brings you joy in your final hours.

I’m referring to Chad Ochocinco’s wedding proposal. Ocho was more than just normal when he proposed to his soon-to-be bride. He was boring.

One would expect Ocho to have a ring brought in by reindeer after hiring the wedding singer from Old School to sing the proposal. Then he’d have David Blaine magically create an entire wedding instantly, complete with Burmese pythons as ring bearers, and a reception that’s hosted on a pleasantly still sea with the tables floating on the water, and mermaids as servers.

But he was far too busy playing Call of Duty, which doesn’t have a pause function.

He’s getting married next week, and his fiancee Evelyn Lozada shared the details–and I use that word quite loosely here–of Ochocinco’s proposal that will make most of you sad, and it’ll inspire others.

From Larry Brown Sports:

“I wish I had a really romantic story to tell you, but it’s not so romantic. A jeweler came to the house, had a few rings, he had my ring in a separate box. I, of course, chose that one. [Chad] had a headset on and he was like, ‘You like it?’ and I was like, ‘Yep’ and I put it on and he goes, ‘Okay cool,’ and he started playing Call of Duty.”

Sigh. No mermaids or astronauts.

We can only assume that there are still lingering symptoms from the Leigh Bodden hit…

Pic via Planet Pit