Pretty much every time I’m driving a car I curse at someone. Sometimes they fully deserve it, but usually they don’t. I find it oddly therapeutic, although I’m sure there’s something clinically wrong with me that warrants professional care.

A little road rage is pretty harmless and even expected in our modern world of congested sprawling urban highway parking lots. But I can never imagine a scenario where some anger over a bad lane change, a slow driver, or just general road idiocy could lead to a real physical confrontation, complete with the revealing of previously concealed firearms.

That’s because you and I are sane, normal, like-minded people, while Elvis Dumervil has been charged with being a complete moron (allegedly).

Or, more accurately, he’s been charged with felony aggravated assault after being arrested early Sunday morning. At first it wasn’t clear exactly why he was arrested. But the police report surfaced earlier this morning, and it shows that Dumervil is no Adrian Peterson.

He did something to warrant his arrest. And it was so very, very stupid.


The report indicates that Kristine Ramirez and her husband Juan Cardoza got involved in a traffic dispute with Dumervil and Andy Augste after Cardoza merged in front of a vehicle that Dumervil was driving. The traffic was at a standstill and the report — verified by another witness — indicates that a verbal confrontation occurred between Dumervil’s car and Ramirez’s car.

Dumervil allegedly approached Ramirez’s car and lifted up his shirt to show a gun in his waistband. Augste allegedly did the same — displaying a gun — while also verbally threatening Ramirez.

So now, just over a week before training camp starts, there’s a very real possibility that Dumervil has added to the suspension-worthy criminal offenses this offseason. Roger Goodell typically doesn’t take kindly to carefree weapon usage in public, especially during something as trivial as a traffic dispute. C’mon, Elvis, you couldn’t just tailgate aggressively for several miles while gesturing wildly and yelling words that are never heard because you’re in a car? That’s what I do.

Goodell’s hammer could be the least of Dumervil’s worries right now, although the likelihood that he’ll be suspended increases significantly because this is his second incident over just the past three years after he was cited for assault and disturbing the peace in 2010, charges that were dropped. Our prediction? It’s almost certain that the Broncos will be starting the 2012 season with one half of their dynamic pass rushing duo missing after Dumervil had 9.5 sacks last year to go along with Von Miller’s 11.5.

First, though, an actual criminal court that hands out real punishments could put Dumervil in jail for up to five years before this is dealt with by Goodell’s court. The moral of this story? Always insult mothers instead of unconcealing the concealed weapon.