Going bald is a process, one that begins with heavy denial, and eventually ends with the male in question losing a part of himself. That’s the window our species often has to work with during the search for a mate.

A man can fight a receding hairline by experimenting with a plethora of products sold online by weird dudes with very little hair who are giving that creepy, thumbs up without smiling look. Eventually he’ll realize that life will continue as it always did, but he must reach that final destination to achieve bliss. He has to take a fateful leap and accept his new lock-less look, or risk eternally denying nature.

Wes Welker is prepared to fight the sacred, heavenly mother who controls our nature, including hairlines everywhere. And he’s doing it despite recently marrying a model who graciously accepts gifts from blogs that exist partly because they post pictures of her wearing little more than her hands as bras. She defines keeper, yet Welker needs hair. No, he craves hair.

The Patriots wide receiver wasn’t able to secure a long-term contract and could be ready to start his last season in New England. But his contract with his hair is another matter entirely, and as Tom Curran of CSN New England tells us, earlier this month Welker took a drastic measure to ensure he maintains adequate follicle coverage.

Tell us more about this urgent breaking news story, Tom:

The procedure, according to a release announcing the news, “involved transplanting follicles to an area of Welker’s scalp where his hair had started to thin . . . Welker was immediately able to resume his regular activities, including training for the football season and even wearing a helmet.”

We used our hardened journalistic intellect to pursue a more in-depth investigation, and there’s an odd inconsistency when we compare the hair density of the 31-year-old Welker now, to the young chap when he first broke into the league. Let’s see if you notice it…

2005 - 2011

There’s a clear difference in the facial forest, with the more mature Welker on the right able to summon his inner Grizzly Adams whenever he pleases.

But we’re not concerned with that here. The 2011 Welker may indeed have a head of hair that’s slightly thinner, but the point of attack is always the hairline. And from what’s visible in the photo evidence, it seems the 2005 Welker is losing his battle on the frontlines far more severely, to the point where an entire erosion of the foremost hair region (apologies for the complex medical terms) is almost complete. We can see an area that’s nearly vacant, and a balding, bare head showing beneath a few strands.

So from this we can only make one conclusion: this isn’t Welker’s first foray into follicle re-forestation. To sign free agent Anna Burns–a Hooters model–he’s contractually bound to a semi-annual hair review. If the line recedes far enough, measures must be taken.

Good luck, Wes.

No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *