George Burns and Bart Simpson were right; show business is a hideous bitch goddess. One day you’re a fresh-faced actor just looking for a guest spot on “Everybody Loves Raymond’s Dog Gary” (I assume that was a spin-off), the next day, you’re penniless on Sunset Boulevard offering handies in exchange for a background role on “Golden Girls: The Next Generation”.

How does this relate to football? A couple of weeks ago, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was featured in his girlfriend(?) Ricki Lander’s audition tape for the Owen Wilson/Vince Vaughn comedy “The Internship”. Lander was up for the role of “Marielena”, a dance instructor who moonlights as a stripper, kind of a Bruce Wayne/Batman dynamic, if Batman wore a G-string.

If you haven’t seen the video, here’s Jimmy Kimmel giving you a quick refresher…

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Compelling stuff. Kraft has the chops of an actor who’s playing a traumatic head wound victim in a Hungarian safety video about accidents in the workplace.

Unfortunately, Kraft’s “Robert DeNiro in a coma” performance couldn’t help Lander book the gig. It’s being reported that Jessica Szohr (formerly of Gossip Girl) will be bumping and grinding as Marielena.

Robert reportedly thought that he’d help Ricki land the part by playing Wilson’s role in the scene. Apparently, Kraft had met the actor a few times and he thought Owen would get a kick out of it — and Ricki in a bikini — and she’d get the part.

Guess not.

“I think that we can all agree that Owen Wilson has nothing to worry about. I am going to stick to my day job,” a chagrined Kraft said in a statement after the tape became public.

If Kraft really wanted, he could start a production company and fund his own movie starring Lander. It could be a story about a stripper and a kindly old bar-fly who become time detectives that travel back to solve history’s most puzzling murders. Naturally, Lander would play the stripper and Kraft would play the bar-fly, or maybe Kraft would be the stripper and Lander would play the bar fly.

I don’t know. I’m not a casting director.

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