Martellus Bennett has not heard of nor does he care for bulletin boards. And even though he played in Dallas for four seasons, he still doesn’t fully comprehend the unique ability possessed by Cowboys fans that enables them to hate everything they don’t love.
That doesn’t sound unique to you? Well, can you flip off a TV with your toes? Yeah, that’s right, know your role, somewhat sane fans. When a fan base insufferably calls itself a nation, it must die, and it must do it in the most horrific way imaginable. However, with their immense homer Mcfanboy powers and bandwagoning prowess, Cowboys fans are the exception. I’ve met enough Cowboys fans or people who at least claim to know the Cowboys play football to conclude that they could indeed form their own nation.
This is why I fear for Bennett’s safety when the new Giants tight end visits Dallas to face his former team in late October, just a few days before Halloween. When the rear ends of Cowboys nation are threatened, their instinctive reaction is to first tighten the buttocks, and then hurl expensive beer and insults about grandmothers, brother-in-laws, and neighbors.
Yeah, they don’t stop at mothers in Dallas, except when they’re doing a very different kind of dancing near the end zone that involves a far more appealing buttocks movement.
Today as the Giants opened their training camp, Bennett shared something he’d like to do to the collective asses of his former teammates.
From Ohm Youngmisuk:
“I just want to kick those guys’ asses,” Bennett said. “That is what it is all about. I mean we are cool but we ain’t that cool, know what I am saying? I kind of got some ill feelings towards them overall. It is a game, I kind of hate everybody, honestly, in the NFL.”
He then clarified his comment, saying that although the Cowboys have an ass that he’d like to kick, he hates everyone equally.
“I have ill feelings toward everybody. it is not just Dallas. Pretty much anybody who doesn’t play with us, I pretty much don’t like ‘em. I don’t like a lot of people. I am kind of an asshole but it is cool.”
If Bennett is an asshole, then so is Kim Kardashian by association. After being greeted by a throng of photographers upon arriving at camp, Bennett said he “feels like Kim Kardashian.” By that logic, Ghandi may also be an asshole.
Tell us why, Ralph Vacchiano:
Bennett said his weight is down now, though he didn’t give a number. He also said he is so serious about making the most of his opportunity that he spent the offseason studying himself — and not just his play on the field.
“I kind of sound like Ghandi right now, but I studied myself a lot over the last couple of years, just the way I approached things and went about things when I was in Dallas,” he said. “I made a lot of improvements. A lot of it is just being happy.”
To review, Bennett said he’s an asshole, and compared himself to Ghandi and Kim Kardashian on the first day of training camp. He also dug further into his hipster philosophy, saying that “plants can’t really grow when they are out-shaded by the tall tree” while describing his hopeful emergence after being Jason Witten’s backup.
It’s good to have you back, football.