It‘s common for people to compare themselves to someone noteworthy when trying to describe their actions or personality. A charitable person might liken themselves to Mother Teresa, or a successful person may fancy themselves a regular Parker Lewis. As we all know, Parker Lewis can’t lose.
New York Giants tight end Martellus Bennett is everyone, or at least by the end of the week he’ll have compared himself to everyone, living or dead. By the end of the first day of training camp he had already likened his personal plight to both Ghandi and Kim Kardashian, two names that have probably only been put in the same sentence one other time in the history of the universe.
According to this tweet by ESPN-NY Giants writer Ohm Youngmisuk, Bennett has matured beyond comparing himself to mere human beings, and is now a full-blown mythical creature.
So if offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride is Dumbledore and Bennett is a black unicorn (which means that movie The Last Unicorn is a filthy lie), is there any limit to who or what Martellus Bennett can be?
We don’t think so.
Possible Martellus Bennett Personas
James Dean- He’s a rebel with 2-3 causes, tops.
The Bandit from Smokey and the Bandit- He has the speed and guile to outwit opposing defenses. This is especially relevant if Bennett decides to grow a mustache.
AC Slater- In the early seasons of Saved by the Bell, Slater was the ultimate blocker (cock-blocker), constantly foiling Zack Morris’ schemes to get into the acid-washed jorts of Kelly Kepowski. Bennett wants to become the ultimate blocker at tight end too, foiling any opponent’s attempts to try and get into the pants of …er…attempts to sack Eli Manning. This comparison also works if he wears heavily pleated pants that have at least two rows of belts.
Johnny Carson- like Johnny, Bennett hosts his own talk show, only Carson had better writers…and a better sidekick…and comedic timing…and his show wasn’t filmed at a bowling alley.
Marsellus Wallace- The names are similar, or at least their first names rhyme. Also, neither of them looks like a bitch.
There’s no limit to the Martellus Bennett comparisons, because every day he’s having new experiences and can therefore liken himself to someone, or something else.
Maybe next week he’ll fashion a series of throw pillows out of old football sweaters and compare himself to Martha Stewart. Who knows, by mid season he may turn around, sack Eli Manning, and tear off his jersey to reveal a he’s wearing a Dallas Cowboys uniform underneath, a classic pro-wrestling swerve akin to Hulk Hogan joining the nWo.
Nothing would surprise me at this point because Martellus Bennett is everyone.