Pictured: Max Steel

I often wonder what I would be doing if I wasn’t the sixth most handsome blogger in the business. Ok fine, seventh…fine, 1,786th handsomest blogger in the business. Sorry, I lied again, because I didn’t even make the list, and the list went 10,000 deep. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, I often wonder what I’d be doing with my life if I wasn’t a sports blogger.

I really don’t have an answer for that. Maybe I could be a circus freak or an Abraham Lincoln impersonator, or possibly even a human piñata. Hanging from my belt loop in a tree while masked kids beat the crap out of me with baseball bats is one of the few jobs I’m actually qualified to do daily. The truth is, I have no idea what else I’d be doing right now, especially since I love my internal organs too much to go with the human piñata idea.

The average person might say that if they weren’t too busy being an accountant or a free-style rap champion, they would probably be a professional athlete.

But what would a professional athlete be if they couldn’t be a professional athlete?

During his first news conference of the season, Miami Dolphins wide receiver Chad Johnson was asked what he would be if he wasn’t a football player, and unlike me, the man formerly known as Ochocinco had an answer. He’d be a porn star.

“I was thinking about going into porn”
The reporters all laughed, satisfied with Johnson’s joke as they eagerly awaited his real answer. Johnson wasn’t laughing.
“It’s not funny, I got to earn a living. I mean I’m serious; that’s what I would do. I don’t have a choice.”
I find it amazing that Johnson is under the belief that there are only two kinds of jobs in the world. You can either be a football player or a porn star. Those are you’re only options, and if you can’t do either of those things, you’ll never be able to provide for your family. Your child will starve and you’ll be begging for nickels on the street if you’re both impotent and can’t run a perfect fade route.

Johnson may want to start picking out porn names now (Max Steel perhaps?), because if he can’t improve on last year’s dismal 15 reception season, he’ll be unemployed pretty quickly. But hey, this isn’t the first time he’s flirted with the porn world, and it’s always nice to have a back-up plan.

It’s a lot better than my back-up plan.

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