Like most kids, I was filled with a sense of reckless abandon when I first learned that my class would have a supply teacher for the day because our normal overlord was sick, or abducted, or something. That’s partly because I was eight, and the greatest thing in my life at the time were two tiny mice who were trying to take over the world, and turtles who took orders from a rat. For some reason, rodents dominated my thoughts as a child, and I’m sure if you had the required psychological expertise and put me in a room filled with rubber, you’d find a correlation between that thought pattern and my current occupation.
ANYWHO, for young elementary school students, the substitute teacher is an instant best friend. They love you, because although they’re aware that they’re supposed to hate you, they’re not sure why yet. Therefore, when they’re surrounded by a raving gaggle of tiny children who are armed with reinforced snowsuits during the winter months, their firmly-embedded instinct is to manage the anarchy, and wait until the clock reaches the closing hour. Theirs is a chaos that’s merely controlled.
Until an agreement is reached between the NFL and its regular officials, replacement referees will be the players’ substitute teachers. There will be missed calls and rules explanations that equal the length of The Dark Knight Rises, so in that way they’ll be exactly like normal officials.
They will also be refs whose opportunity for advancement has closed, so in that way they won’t come close to equaling the competence of the league’s normal zebras, and they won’t have the same ability to keep up with the speed of the game and watch over the players’ safety.
But there’s a serious confidence builder that at least one scab holds over his regular counterparts. He’s seen a girl naked, or almost naked.
We knew the replacement refs would come in the form of officials who have worked the lower levels of college football, and arena league officials. But there was a serious untapped gold mine out there: the Lingerie Football League.
Mike Pereria, the former vice president of officiating and current Fox Sports analyst, said that one of the officials who worked Sunday’s Hall of Fame game is a former LFL ref who was released halfway through last season. The man of the hour in so many, many ways is Jay Ochoa, and during his brief time watching girls play football in their underwear, he gained some serious experience that’s prepared him for the speed of the pro game.
Seriously, you guys. The LFL isn’t all lace. Just mostly lace.
Really, honestly. They’re seriously serious.
In fact, the LFL is so serious that it was determined Ochoa wasn’t fit to officiate such a brutal game. But hey, he tried.