Green Bay Packers tight end Tom Crabtree is doing everything he can during training camp to maintain a sharp focus. He even quit Twitter because he thought it was too big of a distraction (which is crazy because Crabtree has become a Twitter superstar). He’s looking for any edge, which includes a secret weapon that has been criminally underused within the football fraternity.
Is he using steroids? Is he gaining a cardio advantage by secretly working out to Richard Simmons’ Sweating to the Oldies Volumes one, three, and six? Has he undergone a dangerous and experimental operation that replaces his blood with Red Bull and his skeletal structure with a titanium alloy?
No, he has done none of these things. According to fellow tight end D.J. Williams, he’s been rocking to Celine Dion.
Williams says Celine Dion music has been blaring from Crabtree’s headphones throughout camp. Strange, of course. As all of those Twitter followers know, the tattooed Crabtree is diehard rock fan.
“He’s not listening to heavy metal anymore; I don’t know what’s going on,” Williams said. “He’s not getting soft or anything. But that just slows your heart rate down and puts you in that ninja focus mode. When he’s locked in and ready to roll, that’s going to be dangerous.”
Celine Dion doesn’t seem like the kind of music that would get you pumped up enough to stop a 275 pound man from tearing off Aaron Rodgers’ head, especially if that 275-pound monster is foaming at the mouth and has been listening to Rammstein all day.
Although maybe Crabtree is secretly a genius, every time I hear the opening notes for My Heart Will Go On, I fly into a rage, and immediately start trying to overturn cars and punch anything within a 15-foot radius. This is the kind of psychotic anger that Crabtree needs to invoke while trying to compete on the gridiron, an incredible Hulk type anger that can only be released by subjecting yourself to sappy Canadian love ballads.
I’m cool with it as long as Crabtree doesn’t offer to draw me like one of his French girls.
This will be burned into my brain for the rest of the week, I figured I’d pass it on…
Thanks, Total Packers