This man looks terrifying

There are many ways to stay hydrated when participating in strenuous activities. Water is a pretty good way, and has been hydrating man since the dawn of time. But some people think water isn’t enough. According to the self proclaimed “greatest athlete in the world” Usain Bolt and his overlords at Gatorade, water is for suckers, and only the 178 or so variations of Gatorade will properly give your body the hydration it needs.

Carolina Panthers defensive end Thomas Keiser has no love for Gatorade. Instead, he gets his hydration from a product that was once voted as the top “gift to get someone you don’t know and don’t particularly care for” in Horribly Disappointing Christmases Magazine*.

No, he doesn’t drink blended up fruitcakes. He drinks Chia Pet seeds.

“People ask me all the time if it’s the same stuff that’s in Chia Pets. It is. I’ll have probably two or three tablespoons in somewhere between two-thirds and a full gallon of water every day.”

So every day, Keiser is gulping down relatively large quantities of a novelty product that peaked in the 80s and was intended to be spread on terracotta figurines in the hopes that vegetation would grow. Just reading that last sentence made my head hurt. Aside from trying to cultivate a sweet stomach garden, why would Keiser want to ingest Chia Pet seeds?

“It helps hydrate you, because it absorbs 10 times its weight in water, and instead of the water just going in your system and flushing right out, it’s going to sit in you longer.”

Well OK then, I guess he has a genuine reason and I really don’t have anything else to say. Here’s an artist’s sketch of what Keiser’s stomach might look like.

Garfield is the worst. via

*Not a real publication

Comments (2)

  1. Ha…like your post. It is quite astonishing that people can’t just drink water to stay hydrated and need to try all different kind of stuff to improve their bodies water level. As long as you just drink enough water you will be OK. There are better ways to stay hydrated though….eating water is the best. You do that by eating fruit for example. It stays in the body far longer and is digested slower. But, unless you want to eat fruit all day, drinking the good old H2O is enough.
    Has anyone else had any experience in these seeds?

  2. Hello,

    I work for a company that sells chia seed. Since i have been taking them i feel great. Chia seeds are a great way to cut down on inflammation, keep you hydrated and when i drink a cup of water with chia it helps curb my appetite. If you need more information or would like to purchase chia seeds you can contact DNG Trading and Milling in upstate NY.

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