This man looks terrifying

There are many ways to stay hydrated when participating in strenuous activities. Water is a pretty good way, and has been hydrating man since the dawn of time. But some people think water isn’t enough. According to the self proclaimed “greatest athlete in the world” Usain Bolt and his overlords at Gatorade, water is for suckers, and only the 178 or so variations of Gatorade will properly give your body the hydration it needs.

Carolina Panthers defensive end Thomas Keiser has no love for Gatorade. Instead, he gets his hydration from a product that was once voted as the top “gift to get someone you don’t know and don’t particularly care for” in Horribly Disappointing Christmases Magazine*.

No, he doesn’t drink blended up fruitcakes. He drinks Chia Pet seeds.

“People ask me all the time if it’s the same stuff that’s in Chia Pets. It is. I’ll have probably two or three tablespoons in somewhere between two-thirds and a full gallon of water every day.”

So every day, Keiser is gulping down relatively large quantities of a novelty product that peaked in the 80s and was intended to be spread on terracotta figurines in the hopes that vegetation would grow. Just reading that last sentence made my head hurt. Aside from trying to cultivate a sweet stomach garden, why would Keiser want to ingest Chia Pet seeds?

“It helps hydrate you, because it absorbs 10 times its weight in water, and instead of the water just going in your system and flushing right out, it’s going to sit in you longer.”

Well OK then, I guess he has a genuine reason and I really don’t have anything else to say. Here’s an artist’s sketch of what Keiser’s stomach might look like.

Garfield is the worst. via

*Not a real publication