Something truly remarkable happens when we as humans touch an object that’s too hot, so hot that it puts our health in danger.

Now, I’m no neuroscience major, but I’m pretty sure this is how it works. A signal is sent from the affected area (from, say, your finger if you’re touching a hot oven) to your brain. Translated the signal usually says something like this: “that thing you are touching is hot and it will hurt you, so please stop touching it, you moron”.

Again, remarkable.

For at least one woman there was a signal malfunction during a hot early August day when she attended a Cowboys training camp scrimmage in 2010. So she’s doing the only thing a good Amurrican would do: she’s suing Jerry Jones.

Yes, a lawsuit over a hot ass is something that actually exists, but not in the sexytime way you’re thinking.

Christina Rosales of the Dallas Morning News has the details of a lawsuit that will make you want to hop on a plane to Dallas, find the nearest hot object owned by the Cowboys, and sit on it for a very long time. Your hind quarters may never recover from the third degree burns, but you’ll get to take Jerry Jones’ money because he did something inappropriate to your ass.

Ho boy. Please tell us more, Rosales:

A Cleburne woman says sitting on a hot Cowboys Stadium bench caused third-degree burns on her buttocks and is suing the team and its owner for causing mental anguish, physical pain and disfigurement.

According to the lawsuit filed in Tarrant County, Jennelle Carrillo, the plaintiff, says she went to the Blue & Silver debut scrimmage game in August 2010. Before she entered the stadium, she took a seat on a black marble bench outside the “E” entrance.

“No signs were posted at or near the bench warning it was too hot for persons to sit,” the lawsuit says.

Carrillo was treated for burns to her buttocks and underwent skin grafts.

I may be reaching here, but if your ass is hot enough that you SUFFER A THIRD-DEGREE BURN AND NEED A SKIN GRAFT, you probably should experience a hot sensation at some point during your sitting period. When that happens, common sense would tell you to get up, and move to a different location. Or just stand. Or do anything other than sit in that fiery hell chair.

You know those handy sunshade devices that you put in your car windshield during the summer so that it’s not on fire when you open the door? My mom once owned one that had a warning on the back. It said “WARNING: do not drive with sunshade in place”.

It’s nice to be told when a floor is slippery, over when there are workers washing windows above a sidewalk. But sometimes warnings go too far, and they’re downright insulting. Like, say, if there was a warning telling people that a hot chair is hot, and hot chairs can hurt you.