Something truly remarkable happens when we as humans touch an object that’s too hot, so hot that it puts our health in danger.

Now, I’m no neuroscience major, but I’m pretty sure this is how it works. A signal is sent from the affected area (from, say, your finger if you’re touching a hot oven) to your brain. Translated the signal usually says something like this: “that thing you are touching is hot and it will hurt you, so please stop touching it, you moron”.

Again, remarkable.

For at least one woman there was a signal malfunction during a hot early August day when she attended a Cowboys training camp scrimmage in 2010. So she’s doing the only thing a good Amurrican would do: she’s suing Jerry Jones.

Yes, a lawsuit over a hot ass is something that actually exists, but not in the sexytime way you’re thinking.

Christina Rosales of the Dallas Morning News has the details of a lawsuit that will make you want to hop on a plane to Dallas, find the nearest hot object owned by the Cowboys, and sit on it for a very long time. Your hind quarters may never recover from the third degree burns, but you’ll get to take Jerry Jones’ money because he did something inappropriate to your ass.

Ho boy. Please tell us more, Rosales:

A Cleburne woman says sitting on a hot Cowboys Stadium bench caused third-degree burns on her buttocks and is suing the team and its owner for causing mental anguish, physical pain and disfigurement.

According to the lawsuit filed in Tarrant County, Jennelle Carrillo, the plaintiff, says she went to the Blue & Silver debut scrimmage game in August 2010. Before she entered the stadium, she took a seat on a black marble bench outside the “E” entrance.

“No signs were posted at or near the bench warning it was too hot for persons to sit,” the lawsuit says.

Carrillo was treated for burns to her buttocks and underwent skin grafts.

I may be reaching here, but if your ass is hot enough that you SUFFER A THIRD-DEGREE BURN AND NEED A SKIN GRAFT, you probably should experience a hot sensation at some point during your sitting period. When that happens, common sense would tell you to get up, and move to a different location. Or just stand. Or do anything other than sit in that fiery hell chair.

You know those handy sunshade devices that you put in your car windshield during the summer so that it’s not on fire when you open the door? My mom once owned one that had a warning on the back. It said “WARNING: do not drive with sunshade in place”.

It’s nice to be told when a floor is slippery, over when there are workers washing windows above a sidewalk. But sometimes warnings go too far, and they’re downright insulting. Like, say, if there was a warning telling people that a hot chair is hot, and hot chairs can hurt you.

Comments (8)

  1. Only in America!!

  2. Absolutely. American. Pathetic and brutal. Only in America.

  3. Again sarcasim, do you ever report on news without using it?

    • Its an opinion piece, not a news report.

    • That comment makes far less sense here than it does on the Duane Brown post, and it makes no sense there either. I’m not sure if you noted this by the headline or the few hundred words underneath the headline, but this is a post about a woman suing the Cowboys because a seat burned her ass after she sat on it too long, which is absolutely absurd. I apologize for trying to have fun with a ridiculous story.

      We do report and relay the news of the day from around the NFL. But when we do that, we also add some commentary, analysis, opinion, and yes, we toss in the odd joke now and then which can take the form of sarcasm. It’s all in an attempt to both entertain and inform, which is, well, blogging.

      If you’d like hard, straight news, there are many places on the Internet you can go for that.

  4. I would just like to say that this author Sean whatever is very crude unappealing and unprofessional I was interested in the article and half way through I stopped reading because of his failure to keep me interested

    • So, to be clear, you got to the part about the woman burning her ass on a seat and suing the Cowboys, and then you weren’t interested anymore?

  5. Good article…I don’t think there is any other way to write about this except with the use of sarcasm…the people complaining about it are just as moronic as the woman who is suing…I guess you should have started the article with a big “WARNING! People who can’t handle sarcasm don’t read this” LOL keep up the good work Sean.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *