Ray Rice immediately regretted his decision to have Taco Bell for lunch. His toilet was punished accordingly.

We are so close!

The NFL regular season starts next week, and I’m overwhelmed with feelings. Well, just two feelings: relief and fury.

I’m relieved that I can stop drowning in a sea of team previews, scouting reports and lurid tales of Detroit Lions operating motor vehicles while under the influence of turpentine (tough times in Detroit when a man can’t even afford a 40 of OE).

I’m infuriated that, although I did hours upon hours of pre-season NFL research, I still soiled the bed at my fantasy football draft. I auto-drafted without pre-ranking players, so I may as well have just never joined a league and instead lit a 20 dollar bill (the buy-in) on fire, so I could use it to ignite a fine Cuban cigar. At least that would have made me feel classy.

Maybe I’m just not meant to be a fantasy football champion. You know, me with a fantasy football team is a little like the mule with a spinning wheel…

Anyway, enjoy these “hilarious” picture captions. I’ll be over in the corner, lying in the fetal position, weeping openly (my only QB is Andy Dalton and I have a thousand WRs).

Michelangelo’s less popular “The Creation of Ian” was painted on the ceiling of the third floor men’s room in the Sistine Chapel.

 

The Redskins have signed free-agent kicker Billy Cundiff, and the people of Washington are beginning to light their torches and sharpen their pitchforks in anticipation.

 

Kevin Rutland is mere moments from landing the rare and debilitating helmet-to-taint hit on an unsuspecting Bernard Pierce. Julian Stanford watches in quiet awe. Devastating.

 

Craig Dahl follows the advice of Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket. I mean, it’s just common courtesy.

See you next week folks, where some of the pictures will be from *GASP* REAL GAMES!

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