For the first time, Jason Witten gazed upon the face of a God. The only other time he thought he saw God, Witten was actually gazing upon the arm-pit of God’s brother Larry.

It’s that time of the week again folks, only now the games have actual meaning and the captions will bring you even closer to the brink of laughter (if I can get at least one chortle or guffaw, I’ve done my job).

The NFL season kicked off on Wednesday with a matchup between the Dallas Cowboys and the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants, with the ‘boys winning 24-17. Naturally, dudes showed up with their cameras, and these life-changing photos were the result.

Today you’ll learn about the meteoric rise of Kevin Ogletree (something that was foretold by two wise prophets), the failure of Eli Manning, and the tragic fate of one replacement referee who may or may not have dropped the soap.

So, If Kevin Ogletree is a God, that would make Jerry Jones...

 

Either Eli Manning just lost the first game of the season, or he just witnessed his arch nemesis keying his car while having sex with his wife. Which, to be fair, takes quite a bit of skill.

 

Redneck wakeboarding, or: How I learned to stop worrying and love my substandard dental work.

 

After making a brutal, game-changing call, the referee felt heavy breathing on the back of his neck and visions of prison movie shower scenes danced in his head.

As always, feel free to write your own captions in the comment section. If you write something that causes my mouth to crease into a shape that many have described as a “smile”, you could win a prize*.

What I will look like this weekend (I'm a lonely man)

*the prize is a firm handshake should you ever meet me in the street.

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