On Sundays, I watch about 14 hours of football or football-related television content. I would do this even if I had a normal existence, so the fact that it’s my job is just a convenience.
Usually, aside from a TV and a computer, the items needed to get through a regular-season Sunday are several bowls of Jiffy Pop, a few pepperette sticks, and a long hose that stretches to the bathroom and is arranged in a manner which optimizes flow.
However, as difficult as this is to imagine right now after the league’s kickoff game Wednesday and just a few days away from the first regular-season Sunday, there’s a zombie-ish mind warp that can take place when the consumption of football is equal to the average human’s oxygen intake. To fight it, you need to do more than just watch the game. You need to bet on random shit that’s sort of loosely tied to the game.
To fed your desire to loose imaginary money to some guy on the Internet who makes stuff up, every week we’re going to post some props connected to the Sunday of football ahead. There will be a few of the more normal variety that may not be seen as commonly elsewhere (i.e: the Adrian Peterson question below), but this will primarily be an exercise in the observation of absurdity.
We’ll try to actually track these, and we’ll fail. Thus, a winner will be named arbitrarily, and you’ll be given several office pens filled with bite marks, and the copy of the Sports Illustrated 2005 fantasy football guide that’s inexplicably sitting on my desk.
Week 1 Props
1. Chris Berman will be in the booth for the Chargers-Raiders game Monday night. How many times will he excitedly exclaim “Nice touch there by Philip ‘Old man’ Rivers!”? (o/u: 1.5)
2. How many times will Lauren Tannehill be shown on camera during the Texans-Dolphins game? (o/u: 3.5)
BONUS: If she doesn’t make the trip to Houston, will CBS dispatch a dedicated Lauren cam which streams a live online feed of her on a couch, staring at a TV? (Yes +800, No -300)
3. How often will Peyton Manning’s name be mentioned during Andrew Luck’s regular-season debut? (o/u: 3.5)
4. How many times will the decrease in Rex Ryan’s girth be observed during his first exposure to a wider, regular-season audience? (o/u: 2.5)
5. How many times will Tim Tebow do something meaningful, and set foot on a football field? (o/u: 10.5)
6. If he’s asked to attempt a pass, how many spirals will Tebow throw? (o/u: 1.5)
7. How many times will Bill Belichick smile? (o/u: 1.5)
8. If Greg Jennings scores a touchdown and then does the Lambeau leap, how many men will grab his ass? (o/u: 2.5)
9. If he plays, how many carries will Adrian Peterson receive? (o/u: 7.5)
10. How many times will the replacement referees make a blatant, obvious, and possibly game-changing mistake? (o/u: 6.5)
Second bonus question: How many times will a fan or homer broadcaster blame the replacement refs for a call that doesn’t go in their favor, when the regular officials maybe, probably, almost definitely would have missed or completely blown the same call? (o/u: 1,345,432.5)
11. Will there be a monkey riding a dog during the Broncos halftime show? (Yes +850, No -700)
12. How many Detroit Lions players will get DUIs on Saturday night, preventing them from being available for Sunday’s game? (o/u: 6)