Last week’s Madden simulation was glorious. Not only did it predict a Cowboys win over the Giants, but through some sort of terrifying black magic, it predicted the greatest game of Kevin Ogletree’s career. That’s right, through a power that cannot be fully described, our game of virtual football transformed the real Ogletree into Jerry Rice.

The Internet buzzed with news of our unparalleled prediction skills. Fellow intern Archi Zuber and I were being hailed as: time traveling wizards, a pair of handsome Nostradamuses (Nostradami?), and a couple of handsome Nostradamuses who also happened to be time traveling wizards.

Now that we’ve gotten my ridiculously over-the-top boasting out of the way, it’s time to focus on this week’s matchup: Packers vs. Chicago Bears.

Like last week, we’ll be aiming to answer a series of burning questions. Will Aaron Rodgers bounce back from a Week 1 loss to San Francisco and show off the aerial game that made him the 2011 NFL MVP? Is Jay Cutler ready to join the upper echelon of NFL quarterbacks? Will the absence of Greg Jennings make Jordy Nelson one of the most important players in fantasy football this week? Is the state of Wisconsin so jealous of the city of Chicago’s famous deep dish pizza that they are actively withholding the nation’s cheese supply in a child-like act of rebellion?

Pregame warning: We decided to sit injured Packers WR Greg Jennings. Also, Zubes is a huge Packers fan, and became very emotionally invested.

First Half Notes

  • Rodgers got destroyed on his first pass attempt of the game after holding the ball for what seemed like an eternity. Zubes cursed at the TV (keep in mind that after every play that didn’t benefit the Packers, Zubes cursed at the TV).
  • Cedric Benson had a couple decent carries on the opening drive, as the Pack started a steady march up the field.
  • “A succulent first quarter from Benson”- Zubes
  • The Packers had possession for all but 19 seconds of the first quarter (one drive), but could only muster a field goal.
  • Early in the second quarter, neither team could get their offense going, with a pair of three-and-outs. At this point it looked like no one wanted to win this game.
  • Rodgers got crunched again (dude keeps holding on to the ball too long). Zubes threw his hat at the TV.
  • Cutler started to find his groove, completing three straight passes, including a nice screen pass to Brandon Marshall for a 28-yard gain.
  • At this point Cutler started a trend that would last the entire game: dinking and dunking his way up the field with very little resistance from the Packers D.
  • Half-way through the second quarter, Cutler shoveled a four-yard TD to fullback Tyler Clutts (wait, who? It turns out, Clutts was traded to Houston in August, and THIS WHOLE SIMULATION IS SUSPECT). 7-3 Bears.
  • Rodgers has his only decent passing possession of the half, and with under a minute left, Mason Crosby hit a 51-yard field goal to cut the deficit to one.
  • At halftime the Bears lead 7-6, in a game that was only made exciting by Zubes’ frequent outbursts.
  • Cutler is above average.
  • Rodgers is garbage.

Second Half Notes

  • Matt Forte really started to motor early in the third quarter with back-to-back 10 plus-yard gains.
  • Cutler continued to find Marshall for huge yardage, until the drive was halted by A FALSE START PENALTY (first penalty in two simulations!).
  • The Bears settle for a field goal (a 32-yard chip shot), and lead 10-6 after three quarters.
  • “Cutler is really starting to take over this game.”- Me
  • “Shut the fuck up!”- Zubes
  • Early in the fourth quarter Cutler threw a short slant to Earl Bennett for a 16-yard touchdown. Bears lead 17-6. Zubes seethes.
  • “I’ve never been involved in something so stupid in my entire life, and I was in a high school production of Grease.”- Zubes
  • Rodgers gets sacked two plays in a row. He had either slathered his right hand in Elmer’s glue, or a terrorist was threatening to kill a family member each time he propelled the pigskin into the air.
  • Ho-hum, the Bears kicked another field goal. They lead 20-6.
  • With two minutes left in the game, Rodgers was picked off by Tim Jennings. It was the first INT in 100 Yards & Running simulation history.
  • The Bears then proceeded to rub salt into the Packers wounds by kicking another field goal as time expired.
  • Final Score: Chicago Bears-23, Green Bay Packers-6

Final Stats

Bears Packers
Score 23 6
Rushing Yards 60 38
Passing Yards 195 89
First Downs 14 8
Red Zone 4-4 (2TDs, 2FGs) 1-1 (1 FG)
Time of Possession 17:37 10:23
3rd down completions 5-9 5-9
4th down completions 0-0 0-0

Comparables

Passing:

Jay Cutler: 17-19 for 202 yards and two touchdowns

Aaron Rodgers: 10-20 for 104 yards and one interception

Rushing:

Matt Forte: 20 carries for 52 yards

Cedric Benson: seven carries for 36 yards

Receiving:

Brandon Marshall: seven receptions for 84 yards

Earl Bennett: four receptions for 48 yards and one touchdown

Tyler Clutts (former Edmonton Eskimo): two receptions for eight yards and one touchdown

Jordy Nelson: three receptions for 46 yards

Randall Cobb: one reception for 22 yards

James Jones: one reception for 26 yards

Ogletree of the game: Jay Cutler

Final Thoughts

Keep in mind that if this simulation is in any way inaccurate, we’ll blame Tyler Clutts. Clutts, who is no longer a Bear (he wasn’t even supposed to be here today*), caught the TD pass that started the Chicago onslaught.

If the simulation is staggeringly accurate, we’ll be forced to disavow any knowledge of Clutts’ TD (which is unfortunate considering I am currently documenting its existence).

Three things I learned from this simulation:

  1. Jay Cutler has been upgraded from “above average” to “Bad-ass”
  2. Aaron Rodgers has been downgraded from “garbage” to “shit”
  3. Zubes was a big fan of musical theater in high school

*NSFW link

*Bonus* Jay Cutler’s new theme song

Comments (2)

  1. Couldnt of been more wrong…Quack!! Hey I have an idea…….why don’t you two morons simulate killing each other and then actually do it to see how each result compares..

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