There are far too many hard nips in this photo (quite frankly, any amount is too many).

By now we’re all getting into the monotonous habit of constantly checking our fantasy football rosters, as if by some miracle, they’ve changed drastically since the last time we checked them (which was exactly three minutes and six seconds ago). A small part of us believes that if we pray hard enough, Arian Foster will just magically appear in our line-up. Or that Leroy from accounts receivable has decided to blow up his team (wife won’t let him play), and Aaron Rodgers just miraculously hit the waiver wire.

I’m here to distract you from such venomous thoughts with everyone’s favorite weekly post: somewhat hilarious NFL captions.

This week we’ll see: unfortunately hard nipples, Dikembe Mutombo’s latest foray into the world of sports, Mike Tomlin causing a replacement ref to evacuate his bowels, and a pair of Lions fans wearing horrifically air-brushed t-shirts.

Dikembe Mutombo has finally found work again, this time as an upright. He still enjoys the work, although finger wagging has gotten a bit more difficult.

 

"If you have to ask big man, you can’t afford it"

 

Mike Tomlin is terrifying. This replacement ref needed some replacement undergarments.

 

I wouldn’t be surprised if these guys were banned from NAMBLA for being too creepy (Jay Onrait is that you?)

 

Despite the urban decay and squalor, this is still the most depressing thing that has ever happened in the city Detroit.

 

After an excruciatingly long silence, Adrian broke the ice by whispering softly into Maurice's ear "I miss your scent"

Did you have a favorite? Do you think I have the sense of humor of an oxygen deprived six-year-old? Do you think you can do better?

Of course you can do better, and I want you to prove it in the comments section. The person who suggests the funniest caption will win a prize.

What’s the prize you ask?

You could win a no expenses paid trip to your own couch to watch football all day Sunday, as long as you don’t have to work/it’s cool with your wife or significant other.

*BONUS UNRELATED CAPTION*

Have you ever, taken a train and eaten it piece by piece, after you just derailed it with your penis?