Week 2 of the NFL season is upon us (well, actually it started last night), and it’s time to make your football viewing experience a little more interactive. I know that some of you reading this blog are gamblers who will bet on your son’s pee wee baseball game if it meant you could feel the sweet rush of losing your family’s food budget for the month (Gamblor’s neon claws are a bitch to get away from). This post is for you.
I’m not saying gambling is wrong. On the contrary, I think it can be a fun way to make a game between Cleveland and Cincinnati seem relevant. What I am saying, is that there’s so much more to gambling than just the games themselves.
I want to appeal to the kind of cat who would plop down their hard earned cash predicting how many Chris Berman farts will be audible during Monday Night Countdown this week. (o/u: 6.5)
Week 2 Props
1. How many times will the replacement referees pick up a flag and have an excruciatingly long conference, only to announce “there was no flag on the play”? (o/u: 15.5)
BONUS: How many hours will these conferences extend the average game? (o/u: 0.5)
2. During Sunday’s game between the Patriots and Cardinals, how many times will the announcers mention Tom Brady’s rough and tumble metrosexuality? (o/u: 5)
3. While he’s enjoying the spoils of the owner’s box, how many Jerry Wipes will Shy Anderson need to clean the grease off of Jerry Jones’ face after he eats an entire large Papa John’s pepperoni pizza? (o/u: 106.5)
4. How many touchdown receptions will Texans’ fullback Tyler Clutts have this week? (o/u: 1)
5. As the Lauren Tannehill watch continues, how many times will she be shown on camera during the Dolphins/Raiders game (I know this one was used last week, but it‘s always going to be relevant)? (o/u: 4.5)
6. As football god Kevin Ogletree continues his ascension to Pro Bowl heaven, how many touchdown receptions will he have this week against the Seahawks? (o/u: 2.5)
7. How many running backs will leave their respective games with injuries? (o/u: 6)
8. How many quarterbacks will sarcastically wish the opposing team’s secondary “good luck” before their week two games? (o/u: 2.5)
9. During Monday Night Football commercial breaks, how many times will our collective manhood’s be challenged because our trucks weren’t “built Ford tough”? (o/u: 68.5)
10. In the game between Baltimore and Philadelphia, will the national anthem be performed by a rapping granny (a criminally overused comedy staple from the 1990’s)? (Yes +450, No -350)