There are many ways a man can celebrate a win. In little league, the victors were usually taken out for pizza or ice cream, while the losers usually got pizza too, but they didn’t get any toppings. Toppings are for winners.

Atlanta Falcons running back Michael Turner is a grown up, and he celebrated the Falcons’ Monday Night Football win over Denver like only a (stupid) grown up can. No, he didn’t hit up a Papa John’s or Baskin Robbins. Instead, he decided to drive his expensive car alarmingly fast while fueled by good old fashioned adrenaline.

Oh yeah, alcohol. He was also apparently fueled by alcohol.

Turner, 30, of Suwanee, Ga., was booked into the Gwinnett County jail in metro Atlanta just after 5 a.m. Turner spent barely two hours behind bars before he was released on $2,179 bond, jail records show.

A Gwinnett County police officer pulled over Turner’s black Audi R8 on Interstate 85 northeast of Atlanta after clocking the car’s speed at 97 mph — 32 mph over the speed limit, said Cpl. Edwin Ritter, a police spokesman.

“The officer made contact with the driver who identified himself as 30-year-old Michael Turner of the Atlanta Falcons,” Ritter said in a news release. “The officer could smell an odor of alcoholic beverage coming from the driver and proceeded to conduct a DUI investigation.”

When are some of these mopes going to learn that there are these yellow cars that are seemingly ubiquitous in every city in the country, and they’ll drive you to your desired destination for a relatively inexpensive fee?

I understand that you’re excited about a big win, especially since you scored the first touchdown of the game (although he only rushed for 42 yards), but do us all a favor and celebrate without getting behind the wheel. I don’t care if you’re at a high class strip joint getting blasted off your ass on Cristal, or at low class dive getting wasted on glorified moonshine. As long as you don’t add key to ignition, I’ve got no beef with you.

*BONUS* In this case it was the cause of all of life’s problems.