I’m really terrible at gambling. It’s probably a combination of not having any money and the fear of being beaten to death by angry bookies when they find out I don’t have any money. But I will never deny the power gambling has to make even the most mundane sporting event feel like the Super Bowl.
Would anyone actually care about a game between the Cleveland Browns and the Kansas City Chiefs if they didn’t have a sizeable chunk of change riding on Matt Cassel’s ability to be the most mediocre quarterback who ever lived?
With that in mind, here are this week’s prop bets. Feel free to send me all of your money. Just don’t expect me to honor any of your winning bets, because if you get burned by a scumbag (me), that’s your own fault.
1. How fast (in miles-per-hour) will Jon Gruden backpedal away from last week’s comments about Tony Romo being an elite quarterback? (o/u: 120)
2. During Sunday’s Broncos/Patriots game, how many times will the announcers call Manning vs. Brady “one of the greatest rivalries of all time”? (o/u: 17.5)
3. How many carries will RB Brandon Bolden have during that game? (o/u: 3.5)
4. After the Eagles/Steelers game, how many of Michael Vick’s ribs will be broken because he was absolutely annihilated by a Pittsburgh linebacker? (o/u: 2.5)
BONUS: How many times will Michael Vick alternate between being completely broke and being a millionaire by the time you finish reading this sentence? (o/u: 63)
5. How many Minnesota Vikings will be carted out of their game against the Tennessee Titans on a Gator truck? (o/u: 2)
6. When Tim Tebow eventually replaces Mark Sanchez, how many teenage girls will swoon so hard that they pass out and crack their skulls on the MetLife stadium concrete, thus causing the stupidest case of mass head-trauma in the history of the United States? (o/u: 178.5)
7. How many fantasy football owners will make the terrible joke “Will the real Chris Johnson please stand up” before Sunday’s game between the Titans and the Vikings? (o/u: 10,875.5)
8. Will the New York Jets score any points this week? (Yes +400, No -350)
9. How many litres of gravy will Canadian NFL fans chug on Monday night while watching those same Jets struggle to score points? (o/u: 700,087.5)*
10. How many interceptions will Buffalo Bills’ QB Ryan Fitzpatrick throw after the 49ers give him a false sense of security by spotting him a two touchdown lead? (o/u: 5.5)
*Monday is Canadian Thanksgiving