Oh we’re getting real now. It’s on, brah.
What started eight weeks ago as a completely unoriginal idea and a way to keep two interns busy for a few hours has become its own breathing, living being. First, our weekly Thursday Madden simulation was able to predict Kevin Ogletree’s Jerry Rice impression on opening night when he had 114 receiving yards and two touchdowns against the Giants. When Madden forecasted that he’d have 115 yards and one score, we were petrified, knowing that with great power comes great responsibility. How were we to harness our oracle abilities? There’s never been an awful television show about the possession of such a power, so we were lost, alone, and cold.
But with one giant step comes another bounding leap, and now we’ve grown from this post’s humble beginnings that featured the profane rantings of a few interns who have since become paid employees solely because of their ability to watch a video game*. Now we have actual moving pictures with sound, and not just any sound. From now on when I play Madden, epic gladiator music will fill the room at max volume.
Captured and edited with the supremely surgical skills of our social media mastermind Scott Johnson, behold tonight’s game simulated with Madden 13. The Vikings won 13-3, meaning they covered, and virtual degenerates are rolling in virtual money.
Josh Freeman: 8/13 for 79 yards, 2 INT’s, Comp %: 61
Christian Ponder: 11/18 for 116 yards, Comp %: 61
Adrian Peterson: 20 carries for 114 yards, 1 TD
Doug Martin: 17 carries for 53 yards
Christian Ponder: 3 carries for 22 yards
Jerome Simpson: 5 catches for 40 yards
Percy Harvin: 4 catches for 56 yards
Vincent Jackson: 4 catches for 60 yards
Dallas Clark: 3 catches for 26 yards
Kyle Rudolph: 1 catch for 11 yards
Michael Jenkins: 1 catch for 9 yards
Ogletree of the game: Adrian Peterson
Thoughts And Rants
Virtual Peterson has small houses for legs and arms, which led to the repeated bulldozings and his 55-yard touchdown run. His decimating domination was a stark contrast to Josh Freeman, who prefers to repeatedly check down to a cornerback when he doesn’t have an opening down field. The amusement came late in the game when Ponder was throwing bombs even though he had the lead and the Bucs didn’t have any timeouts, and a few kneel downs would have sufficed. It seems virtual Leslie Frazier hails from the same school of clock management as virtual Mike Tomlin. Kneel downs are for chumps.
Also of note: Doug Martin was effective on third downs, but pretty much only third downs, and the Vikings defense crushes all souls who dare to enter their red zone.
Three things I Learned From This Simulation
1. Josh Freeman enjoys staring at receivers.
2. Virtual Greg Schiano throws a challenge flag like a six-year-old girl.
3. All Madden games must be played with pounding, punctuating orchestra music.