Like reality Blaine Gabbert, virtual Blaine Gabbert is both progressing, and boring.

Here’s a short list of more productive things you could be doing with your time instead of watching this game tonight:

  • Plant quarters on the sidewalk, and see how many people walk by before they’re all picked up and gone.
  • Shop for new cutlery, and only purchase sets that stick together magnetically.
  • Train mice to play football. Their completion percentage will likely be higher than Blaine Gabbert’s.

We’ll all watch because it’s football, and men who don’t watch football are assumed to be a member of a terrorist organization. Although it’ll be fun to watch Andrew Luck and only Andrew Luck without flipping between nine other games on a Sunday, there are few other redeeming qualities about this game, as watching Jaguars football is akin to eating cinder blocks.

But if the Madden predictor machine is accurate, it’ll be a close game complete with the expected amounts of bumbling and attempted game handing. So basically, Jaguars football.

Man, if this whole Internet writing thing takes a nose dive I know my next line of work. Eskimos be linin’ up to buy ice off of me with these marketing skillz.

OK then, let’s watch some moving pictures from this sim that features 34 virtual minutes of meh followed by two minutes of awesome in a 15-13 Jaguars win.

Final Stats

Colts Jaguars
Total offense 216 258
Rushing yards 38 101
Passing yards 178 157
First downs 9 12

Comparables

Passing:

Andrew Luck: 15 for 23, 178 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs
Blaine Gabbert: 12 for 18, 160 yards, 3 INTs

Rushing:

(IND) Vick Ballard: 13 carries for 39 yards
(JAX) Rashard Jennings: 10 carries for 42 yards, TD
(JAX) Montell Owens: 9 carries for 51 yards
(JAX) Gabbert: 1 carry for 7 yards

Receiving:

(IND) Reggie Wayne: 6 receptions for 99 yards, 2 TDs
(JAX) Justin Blackmon: 4 receptions for 84 yards
(JAX) Marcedes Lewis: 3 receptions for 25 yards
(JAX) Laurent Robinson: 2 receptions for 49 yards
(IND) Donnie Avery: 2 receptions for 13 yards
(IND) LaVon Brazill: 1 reception for 38 yards

Ogletree of the game: Chris Prosinski with 2 INT and 5 tackles

Thoughts and Rants

Just like last week’s sim between the Chargers and Chiefs, throwing interceptions is the trendiest trend since pogs and Pikachu, with a combined five between Luck and Gabbert. Luck was victimized by some incompetence, as Mewelde Moore — the backup running back to the backup running back — dropped a pass that smacked him right in the facemask, leading to one of Prosinski’s two picks.

But lo, there was both progress and discouragement from Gabbert, which mirrors real-life Gabbert. He hit Blackmon on a beautifully-thrown ball tight down the sideline in the first quarter for a 38-yard completion, a pass that was fit into a very tight window. Luck answered with a 46-yard completion to Reggie Wayne, with both bombs coming during a first half that ended with a 7-6 Colts lead. Riveting and compelling.

Virtual Mike Mularkey desires to eat the soul of those who play virtual fantasy football (head asplodes), so he orchestrated a time share in the Jaguars backfield between Rashad Jennings and his now healthy backup Montell Owens. What followed was a slightly more productive day for Owens, although Jennings received the goal-line work and the touchdown. You shall feel our fury, Mularkey.

Near the end of the third quarter Gabbert suddenly caught fire, leading a drive which ended in that Jennings score. But then he was sacked on the two-point conversion attempt, because Gabbert.On the following drive our Madden oracle began to leave an imprint on this game with its wizard thumb, putting the ball in LaVon Brazill’s hands with a completion that went for over 30 yards. That’s Colts receiver LaVon Brazill, the LaVon Brazill who in his real existence has only 58 total receiving yards this year. The Ogletree of life lives!

Peace was restored when Wayne caught his second touchdown of the game, but Gabbert — the good one this time, not the guy who bakes pleasant turnovers which put your mother to shame — wasn’t done yet. Boom, a 36-yard pass to Blackmon with two minutes left, and then BOOM…game-winning field goal. Gabbert had become Luck, and Luck had become Gabbert, as Luck then lofted a pass that had about 11 seconds of air time. It landed in Prosinski’s (the Proz) hands.

Game, blouses.

The Three Things I Learned From This Simulation

1. Cosmic quarterback personality swapping is possible.

2. Mike Mularkey hates everything Rashad Jennings stands for.

3. Phil Simms believes that an interception which ricochets off a receiver’s face is almost certainly the quarterback’s fault.