Pictured: The entire Bills offense

Tonight’s game between the Dolphins and Bills contains at least a modicum of meaning in reality, and great weight in our fantasy alter existence where Christmas gifts are purchased by taking money from friends. Holiday cheer indeed.

We’re especially hoping for two things to happen tonight: Reggie Bush should have a fun Thursday jog against a run defense that couldn’t stop a Pez dispenser with legs, and even though his matchup is much tougher, C.J. Spiller should thrive when he’s given far more opportunities with Fred Jackson out.

So we took the Madden 13 predictor machine for a spin, as is our usual Thursday custom. What happened next was both boring and predictable, all at the same time. Really, it was the worst kind of suck.

Spiller was the star in a 13-0 Bills win, while Bush’s night was a reflection of the entire Dolphins offense: underwhelming, inadequate, and generally incapable.

Final Stats

Dolphins Bills
Total offense 193 223
Rushing yards 73 148
Passing yards 120 75
First downs 12 9

Comparables

Passing:

(MIA) Ryan Tannehil: 14 for 21, 120 yards, 1 INT
(BUF) Ryan Fitzpatrick: 11 for 15, 86 yards

Rushing:

(BUF) C.J. Spiller: 21 carries for 144 yards, 1 TD
(MIA) Reggie Bush: 15 carries for 60 yards
(MIA) Daniels Thomas: 2 carries for 7 yards

Receiving:

(MIA) Anothy Fasano: 4 receptions for 56 yards
(BUF) Stevie Johnson: 2 receptions for 30 yards
(BUF) T.J. Graham: 2 receptions for 27 yards
(MIA) Davone Bess: 2 receptions for 27 yards
(BUF) Scott Chandler: 1 reception for 20 yards
(MIA) Jabar Gaffney: 2 receptions for 12 yards

Ogletree of the game: C.J. Spiller

Thoughts and Rants

“Orchard Park is filled for this exciting matchup.” Jim Nantz is filled with lies. Dirty, deathly lies.

I feel like we’ve written this often throughout our Thursday night Madden sims, but only because we genuinely care about you, and we don’t want to see you waste your life. If there’s anything important you have to do tonight — anything from counting ceiling tiles to giving your pet fish a bath — do it. This game will drain you of every desire to function.

I’ll blame our crappy sims on the crappy Thursday night schedule, because as we’ve learned previously, we’ve been given oracle powers around here, and Madden is never wrong. Virtual reality is always a direct reflection of reality, especially as it pertains to the Cee Lo Green and his screaming questions. We always like football, Cee Lo, but Thursdays are really testing us.

This game was pretty much just one long incompletion, and every now and then a receiver would mistakenly catch a ball. Mostly, though, it was the Spiller show, as the Bills running back showed that he can still post video game numbers in a video game. Yeah, weird.

There was a buildup to what at the very least would have been a boast in virtual confidence and emotion if the Dolphins could have converted a red-zone trip into a touchdown despite being down by 13 late in the fourth quarter, even though the native Buffalo men had long since left to pursue their ugly women, or something. Phil Simms reminded us of this fact repeatedly, because narratives don’t rest.

Still, the tension increased as Ryan Tannehill broke his habit of throwing an incompletion every time he even thought about throwing anything. The Dolphins’ final drive started at about the eight-minute mark of the fourth quarter on their own 20-yard line, and it featured four of Tannehill’s 14 completions, and 46 of his 120 passing yards. Dude was killing it.

Then, while the symphony reached its dramatic crescendo as directed by our game simulation maestro Scott Johnson, the climax arrived: a throwaway that sailed into the the eighth row.

Game, miniskirts.

The Three Things I Learned From This Simulation

1. Virtual Buffalo women are actually pretty attractive.

2. Anthony Fasano is capable of leading a game in receiving yards. Also, I’ve lost all trust in computers.

3. Phil Simms believes that throws into double coverage reflect good decisions, and they’re merely a product of bad execution.