Tip 302: Resolve family tension by directing anger at universally hated figure.

At its best, American Thanksgiving is a time to gather the family from all corners of the globe and eat lots of food. The cousin you haven’t seen in seven years, the uncle who just got out of prison — they’re all there. Hey, you might even get to talk about the recent election in a civil manner. It’s just politics after all.

At its worst, American Thanksgiving is a time to question the sanity of your mother as your family camps outside a Best Buy for five days, subsisting on uncooked ramen noodles and expired canned chili. A discussion about the recent election turns into an alcohol-fueled fist fight between brother-in-law Rex (America is doomed) and cousin Jeffrey (America is doomed and he’s a Muslim).

Unfortunately for most,  the latter is more prevalent than the former. It was with this in mind that the marketing czars at the NFL decided to put a bunch of football on TV, in order to prevent a rise in the prison population across the United States. It seems to have worked. They even added a third game, believing those with higher tolerances may need one more game to prevent them from throwing a chair at Grandpa Bill, the Confederate apologist.

Three games in one video? We don’t play around.

Final Stats
Lions Texans
Total offense 200 200
Rushing yards 34 58
Passing yards 166 142
First downs 10 7
Cowboys Redskins
Total offense 193 192
Rushing yards 9 49
Passing yards 184 143
First downs 5 6
Patriots Jets
Total offense 192 133
Rushing yards 29 32
Passing yards 163 101
First downs 12 2

Comparables

Passing:

(DET) M. Stafford – 16/26, 177 yards, 1 INT
(HOU) M. Schaub – 22/158, 158 yards, 1 TD
(DAL) T. Romo – 11/18, 217 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
(WAS) R. Griffin III – 8/11, 157 yards, 1 TD
(NE) T. Brady – 22/31, 190 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
(NYJ) M. Sanchez – 9/11, 101 yards, 1 TD

Rushing:

(HOU) A. Foster – 17 carries for 58 yards, 1 TD
(DET) K. Smith – 13 carries for 33 yards, 1 TD
(WAS) A. Morris – 19 carries for 34 yards, 1 TD
(WAS) R. Griffin III – 2 carries for 15 yards
(DAL) L. Dunbar – 16 carries for 9 yards
(NE) S. Ridley – 17 carries for 21 yards
(NYJ) S. Greene – 13 carries for 23 yards

Receiving

(HOU) A. Johnson – 3 receptions for 75 yards
(DET) B. Pettigre – 7 receptions for 66 yards
(HOU) O. Daniels – 6 receptions for 65 yards
(DET) N. Burleson – 3 receptions for 59 yards
(DET) C. Johnson – 1 reception for 15 yards
(DET) K. Osgood – 2 receptions for 15 yards

(DAL) M. Austin – 4 receptions for 146 yards, 1 TD
(WAS) P. Garcon – 1 reception for 65 yards, 1 TD
(WAS) F. Davis – 3 receptions for 30 yards
(DAL) D. Bryant – 2 receptions for 27 yards
(DAL) J. Witten – 2 receptions for 26 yards
(WAS) L. Hankerson – 1 reception for 26 yards
(WAS) E. Royster – 1 reception for 21 yards
(DAL) K. Ogletree – 2 receptions for 19 yards

(NE) W. Welker – 8 receptions for 82 yards
(NE) B. Lloyd – 5 receptions for 74 yards, 1 TD
(NYJ) J. McKnight – 1 reception for 47 yards, 1 TD
(NYJ) C. Schilens – 3 receptions for 22 yards
(NYJ) S. Hill – 1 reception for 21 yards
(NE) A. Hernandez – 2 receptions for 14 yards

Ogletree(s) of the game: Arian Foster, RG III and Laron Landry

Thoughts and Rants

  • Jim Nantz and Phil Simms perfected teleportation and didn’t tell anyone. Assholes.
  • Matt Schaub threw a hail mary at the end of the first half that was caught for a touchdown. I’ve never seen this happen in a video game before. It’s a thanksgiving miracle.
  • Inexplicably Kris Brown botched the point after.
  • Nantz and Simms inform us the concrete jungle that is Cowboys stadium cost one billion dollars. Jerry Jones: a tribute to excess. The books will sell themselves.
  • RG!!! — why this isn’t his nickname baffles me — and Tony Romo were slinging early. In the end a Romo pick was the end of Dallas.
  • In a moment the whole family could love Tom Brady threw a pick six to Laron Landry in the first half.
  • Mark Sanchez threw a screen pass for a touchdown and the Pats shot themselves in the foot with a fumble late in the game. This is how Rex Ryan drew it up in the pre-season. Unfortunately this is a video game, fool.

The Three Things I Learned From This Simulation

1. Hail Mary’s do actually happen.

2. Jim Nantz and Phil Simms won the nobel prize for science, still won’t tell us their secrets.

3. Pitbull is the most contemptible figure in America (did not learn this from the simulation).

As always big thanks to Scott Johnson for his excellent work.

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