This was my first year playing fantasy football. I had been a fantasy hockey and baseball legend (most of my life is an elaborate series of lies), but I had never stepped within the bat-shit and obsessive realm of imaginary pigskin. Before, I was just a casual observer who had heard horror stories and what I thought were urban legends about the “waiver wire”, “positional rankings” and whatever the hell the “flex position” was. Now, I was just a poor schmuck who was in over his head.
Of course, my first league just happens to be filled with professional sports writers and editors, so my initial experience was akin to suffering 1000 paper cuts while being thrown into shark infested waters. I am just chum, essentially a bye week where teams could try out different line-up combinations while I fight in vain for respectability.
I am Taco.
So as I struggle to pick up the pieces of my shattered fantasy sports reputation and what’s left of my dignity (I’m pretty sure I left most of my dignity on the floor of a filthy truck stop bathroom), I’ll tell you the story about how I became the worst owner in fantasy football history.
I auto-drafted without pre-ranking my players
My entire season essentially failed on draft day. In a dazzling display of idiocy, I failed to pre-rank my players even though I knew full well that I wasn’t going to be able to attend the live draft. This resulted in my team picking five wide receivers with my first six picks. FIVE! Initially my team had seven wide receivers and only two (mediocre) running backs. I had a bunch of dudes that could catch the ball, but no one to run it. I can already hear all of you saying “Hey dipshit, look on the bright side. You can always use a couple of wide receivers as trade bait,” don’t worry I’ll address that problem later.
I didn’t pay attention/was slow to the waiver wire
I didn’t realize how hardcore the waiver wire truly was. I figured I could just casually surf over to ESPN.com and improve my team using flavours of the week, injury replacements and weaker starters with favourable match-ups. This was not the case. Even if I had priority, I would always forget to make an early claim. When C.J. Spiller broke out, I forgot to make a claim. When Alfred Morris started to collect 100 yard games, I was nowhere to be found.
I would be actively giving decent fantasy advice, and immediately ignore said advice. It was the perfect combination of stupidity and laziness.
I was too afraid to pull the trigger
Even after it became clear that I couldn’t survive with a team chock full of wide receivers, I was too scared to pull the trigger on any roster altering trades. I was living in fear, a fear that stemmed from inexperience. I didn’t want to be like Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook and fall victim to a scam by some smooth talking huckster.
I didn’t want to get swindled, thus becoming the laughingstock of the office. Little did I know my garbage fantasy team had already made me the laughingstock of the office.
I actually paid Devang
Devang is an excellent writer, a class-act of a human being and the horrible bastard who set up our god-forsaken fantasy league. After week four (when I was 0-4), I angrily paid him our league’s 20 dollar entrance fee and stomped off into the sunset. That money would have been better spent on dangerous binge drinking or betting on back-alley hobo wrestling matches. Instead, I threw it away on a winless football team.
Again, I know what you’re thinking. “Of course you paid him. Only a scumbag wouldn’t have paid him,” Well guess what guys, I’m a scumbag, a scumbag who happens to like money. The only smart thing to do would be to stiff Devang on the 20 bucks and then avoid him for the rest of our lives.
I guess I should stop talking about how terrible I am at fantasy football, you know, considering my chosen profession. I’m sure I’m killing whatever is left of my credibility. Even that mentally ill gentleman who screams “BELIEVE IN JESUS” on the corner of Yonge and Dundas is aware of my fantasy shortcomings.
So I guess this is the point where I give you some real fantasy advice, so here it is: before next year’s draft, read this post and then do the exact opposite of what I did (NEVER PAY DEVANG).