Physics. I know it as a concept, but a science-y guy, I am not. It makes roller coasters do really cool loops and twists and turns and stuff, and it makes things bounce. Also, it led to Keith Hernandez’s saliva landing on both Kramer and Newman. The same saliva from the same spit.

Truly magical.

Physics exist in virtual reality too, and especially in virtual football. We know this because the Madden 13 developers tell anyone who desires to listen. It’s on every game box, and in every commercial. Ball bounces and tackles that would occur in real life are replicated to appear virtually, the same as they would in reality.

That also applies to massive praying heaves with less than 10 seconds left in overtime that go off of William Moore’s hand, then his helmet, then maybe his foot, and then into Marques Colston’s hands to set up a game-winning field that required a 30-yard sprint to spike the ball with one second left. No, it especially applies to massive praying heaves with less than 10 seconds left in overtime that go off of William Moore’s hand, then his helmet, then maybe his foot, and then into Marques Colston’s hands to set up a game-winning field that required a 30-yard sprint to spike the ball with one second left.

Best. Madden sim. Ever.

It’s NSFW, only because you’ll lose the respect of your superiors because of your intense, frame-by-frame analysis of a virtual catch. Grab your…just grab something tight, and hit play.

Alright, indulge me for a second, because I need to let something out: FASDIFOAIOAFNAUIFNAWUIF

More incoherence momentarily. For now, let’s slow down our rapid heartĀ palpitations with the cold hard stats from this week’s sim that was, as always, assembled by our social media maestro Scott Johnson, who also contributed to some of the ranting below.

Final Stats

Saints Falcons
Total offense 332 242
Rushing yards 40 43
Passing yards 292 199
First downs 13 12

Comparables

Passing:

(NWO) Drew Brees: 26/33, 323 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
(ATL) Matt Ryan: 23/31, 207 yards, 2 TD’s

Rushing:

(NWO) M. Ingram: 19 carries for 40 yards
(ATL) M. Turner: 14 carries for 24 yards
(ATL) J. Rodgers: 1 carry for 19 yards

Receiving:

(ATL) R. White: 4 catches for 75 yards, 1 TD
(NWO) M. Coltson: 4 catches for 70 yards
(NWO) L. Moore: 4 catches for 66 yards
(NWO) J. Graham: 6 catches for 57 yards
(ATL) T. Gonzalez: 6 catches for 47 yards, 1 TD
(ATL) J. Jones: 3 catches for 44 yards
(NWO) D. Henderson: 4 catches for 44 yards
(NWO) C. Roby: 2 catches for 42 yards
(ATL) H. Douglas: 3 catches for 24 yards
(NWO) J. Collins: 2 catches for 22 yards, 1 TD
(NWO) M. Ingram: 3 catches for 21 yards
(ATL) L. Polite: 1 catch for 9 yards

Ogletree of the game: Drew Brees, 26/33, 323 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

Thoughts and Rants

  • Alright, so without that last-second toss that was blessed by the hands of the almighty we would have had the first tie in Madden sim history. And if that highly unlikely conclusion happens tonight in reality, it’ll be the second tie of the season. Ties are so hipster right now.
  • But back to the real concern here. How the hell was Colston’s catch — you know, the one that set up the 42-yard game winning field goal that went through the uprights with triple zeros on the clock in overtime — not reviewed?!?!? I can only assume the replacement refs have now been given Madden employment in addition to their high school geography teaching.
  • Virtual Jim Nantz just witnessed the most ridiculous, absurd, incredible, and five other adjectives play of his virtual career, yet he sounds like he’s calling a gimmie putt on Day 1 of the Masters. Joe Buck is smiling.
  • The rest of the game seems insignificant now, as does the rest of my life. But you should know that a game which ended in such a spectacular fashion also included a fake punt attempt by the Saints. It failed miserably, and it was the worst fake punt attempt in the history of fake punt attempts.
  • Also, Mike Smith gets wayyyy too excited after a six-yard catch.
  • And if you need Colston or any of the Saints receivers to make an easy catch on first and 10, they have all of the butter on their hands, repeatedly dropping routine passes. But fourth and like 86? SURE.

The Three Things I learned From This Simulation

1. Physics aren’t just for those kids in high school who wore really big glasses.

2. Overtime video reviews with less than 10 seconds left are for pansies.

3. Jim Nantz deeply hates fun.