The weather was perfect.

Faced with what was supposed to be the most unwatchable game of the weekend — Jets/Cardinals, never forget — the forecast called for wet and dreary conditions. The crowd at the Ralph was nonplussed. Well those that showed up were. In an incredible display of self-restraint, a lot of season ticket holders stayed home today. Those that did show were treated to a rarity in the Chan Gailey era — a Buffalo win. Rather than chronicle the Bills performance in usual format, I went a different route this week.

Utilizing both eyes, recommended by the guys at the lab, I watched the Bills and the rest of the league at the same time. It was fun.

Pre-Game

The horrible events that took place in Kansas City have yet to sink in. While most of the major networks began their inane pre-game shows with solemn openings devoted to the victims of the tragedy, CBS went with a horribly tacky Garmin product placement segment that would’ve made Roger Ailes shudder. JB’s crew would outdo themselves later on.

Paul Posluszny and Mike Mularkey made their return to Buffalo. Poz was a valuable player for the Bills who was always around the ball. At around week six every season the Penn State alum would break his arm in devastating manner. He was also the team’s leading tackler because most of those tackles came after the opposition made a seven yard gain. Poz left when the Bills changed into a 3-4 and the Jags flashed the cash. Glad he got paid, nice to see you again man.

Mike Mularkey on the other hand was Chan Gailey before Chan was Chan.  No, double M isn’t the father of Chan Gailey — though that would make way too much sense — but the latter did initiate protocol zero. An offensive scheme designed to enrage Bills fans while engaging in classic Mike ‘I’m about to shit my pants’ Mularkey face. I didn’t miss him.

First Quarter

The weather was against Chan from the start. Unable to rely on the unreliable — Ryan Fitzpatrick — , Gailey was forced to give the ball to C.J Spiller on consecutive plays. Fitz threw an excellent deep ball to T.J Graham for a 51 yard gain. The Bills QB would punch it in from a yard out. Chan Gailey smiled on the sidelines. “See. I got this.” He had nothing. Russ Brandon better be ordering a weather machine right now if they keep this man as head coach.

Chad Henne in the rain was the equivalent of a umbrellaless man walking into a river. (That sounded much funnier when I wrote it down three hours ago. Damn)

The game tapes commentator Steve Beuerlein received to prepare for this game had to have been doctored. The former QB turned Spiro Agnew blood brother was incredibly positive about the Bills. It warmed this jaded fan’s heart. Dave Wannstedt’s defence were on their way to destroying another terrible offence. He’ll be back next year. Probably as the head coach. Hey, why not.

Second Quarter

C.J continued to make capable defenders look foolish, this time Aaron Ross the victim. As Beuerlein began to wax poetic about the rarity of such speed Chan dialed up a pass play. The ensuing throw was picked off by Posluszny. I laughed.

Meanwhile in Kansas City, Steve Smith caught a nice TD and proceeded to make an ass out of himself with a poorly thought out dance. Time and place, Steve. Time and place.

The Jags took a 10-7 lead three minutes into the second quarter. The field mics picked up a Bills player yelling “What the fuck are we doing?” The profane outburst was directed at everyone watching this game. Mularkey and Gailey continued their game of wits, challenging each other for title of most incompetent.

Boomer Esiason back in New York: “Some guys have it.” He was referring to Andrew Luck. CBS is terrible.

Faced with 4th and 5 at the Jacksonville 37 Gailey went for it. This was good. The Bills lined up with an empty backfield. This was bad. Fitzpatrick’s pass to Scott Chandler would fall incomplete.

In Chicago Braylon Edwards made a clutch third down TD grab at the end of the half. The world didn’t explode.

The Bills would head into the half with a 17-10 lead thanks to the tandem of Spiller and Fred Jackson and the efforts of Mario Williams.

CBS studio crew: ‘Their dead teammate has inspired the Chiefs.’ No words.

Third Quarter

The Jaguars run defence opted for the comfortable confines of Chippewa street in the second half. In a holiday miracle the Bills ran the ball five consecutive times to open the third quarter.

The good times would end. As the Bills entered the redzone Spiller was extradited to the Jim Kelly Club to feast on the finest Wegman’s had to offer.

Adrian Peterson was destroying the Packers on the ground. Inspired by his mentors in Buffalo, Bill Musgrave called on Christian Ponder to pass the ball. Interception.

After an undeserved roughing the passer penalty on  Jason Babin, the Bills would add to their lead with a Stevie Johnson touchdown. On the Bills next possession Jackson would run the ball six consecutive times. Apparently they do lobotomies at the Ralph now.

Fourth Quarter

Game over. C.J ran for a 44 yard touchdown in the opening moments of the quarter. Shawne Merriman was seen contributing on the defensive side. Stephon Gilmore had a hell of a day in coverage, shutting down Justin Blackmon with single coverage.

Pete Carroll went from praising the lord to cursing ‘him’ (please don’t send hate mail) as Brandon Marshall caught an insane hail mary to set up the game tying field goal — the Bears would lose in overtime.

Fred Jackson rushed for 100 yards for the first time in over a year. The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Carolina Panthers in a game that will be used as fodder for every hack in North America.

The Bills win, keeping their faint playoff hopes alive in front of a frighteningly sparse crowd at the Ralph. Playoffs? Of course not.

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