The only moment of happiness for virtual Aaron Rodgers.

Jim Nantz and Phil Simms have mastered teleportation. Share the force, guys.

The CBS duo went rogue and disregarded all television rights while calling every playoff game this weekend in our Madden 13 sims. Just total badasses.

If Madden is correct — and Madden is always correct — then the Packers’ post-season will be brief again, the Bengals will pull off the upset, and the Colts will push Baltimore to overtime.

Four games, four sims, and four road-team wins. Yep, everything is happening.

We don’t mess around, and as always the virtual fun is brought to you by the editing work of Scott Johnson, our social media man who treated us to some ballin’ retro arcade beats this time around. Suddenly I have the urge to play Madden 95 with its fuzzy pixels and single graphic dimension.

To review: the final scores where 14-10 Bengals, 10-6 Vikings, 10-7 Colts in overtime, and 10-3 Seahawks. Yep, I wasn’t lying about those four road wins, and it was done 40′s football style. The combined score in all four games was 44-26.

Now some virtual numbers, lots of numbers. Remember that we use nine-minute quarters for these sims so that they don’t take about five hours each, so adjust for that below.

Bengals-Texans

Total Offense: CIN 202, HOU 146
Rushing Yards: CIN 59, HOU 54
Passing Yards: CIN 143, HOU 92
First Downs: CIN 8, HOU 8

Comparables

Passing:
CIN – A. Dalton – 12 for 25, 143 yards, 2 TD’s, 1 INT
HOU – M. Schaub – 12 for 20, 118 yards, 4 INT’s

Rushing:
CIN – B. Green-Ellis – 14 carries for 58 yards
HOU – A. Foster – 18 carries for 54 yards

Receiving:
CIN – J. Gresham – 3 catches for 46 yards
HOU – K. Martin – 3 catches for 33 yards
CIN – A. Green – 2 catches for 29 yards
HOU – K. Walter – 3 catches for 28 yards
HOU – A. Foster – 1 catch for 26 yards
CIN – B. Tate – 1 catch for 25 yards, 1 TD
HOU – O. Daniels – 3 catches for 21 yards
CIN – O. Charles – 1 catch for 12 yards, 1 TD
CIN – B. Green-Ellis – 2 catches for 12 yards
CIN – M. Jones – 1 catch for 10 yards

Ogletree of the game – Andy Dalton

Vikings-Packers

Total Offense: MIN 115, GB 134
Rushing Yards: MIN 111, GB 55
Passing Yards: MIN 4, GB 79
First Downs: MIN 8, GB 9

Comparables

Passing:
GB – A. Rodgers – 12 for 25, 87 yards 1 INT
MIN – C. Ponder – 3 for 4, 24 yards

Rushing:
MIN – A. Peterson – 23 carries for 104 yards
GB – A. Rodgers – 3 carries for 37 yards
GB – A. Green – 15 carries for 18 yards
MIN – J. Simpson – 1 carry for 5 yards
MIN – C. Ponder – 1 carry for 4 yards

Receiving:
GB – J. Nelson – 4 catches for 32 yards
GB – J. Jones – 2 catches for 26 yards
MIN – J. Simpson – 1 catch for 18 yards
GB – G. Jennings – 1 catch for 9 yards
GB – R. Grant – 1 catch for 8 yards
GB – T. Crabtree – 1 catch for 8 yards
MIN – A. Peterson – 1 catch for 6 yards
GB – A. Green – 3 catches for 4 yards

Ogletree of the game – Antoine Winfield

Colts-Ravens

Total Offense: IND 256, BAL 196
Rushing Yards: IND 64, BAL 71
Passing Yards: IND 192, BAL 125
First Downs: IND 10, BAL 9

Comparables

Passing:
IND – A. Luck – 21 for 33, 208 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
BAL – J. Flacco – 9 for 23, 150 yards, 3 INT’s

Rushing:
BAL – R. Rice – 25 carries for 68 yards, 1 TD
IND – V. Ballard – 28 carries for 68 yards

Receiving:
BAL – R. Rice – 4 catches for 72 yards
IND – C. Fleener – 5 catches for 68 yards
IND – D. Avery – 4 catches for 64 yards, 1 TD
BAL – J. Jones – 2 catches for 50 yards
IND – R. Wayne – 6 catches for 43 yards
IND – T. Hilton – 3 catches for 34 yards
BAL – A. Boldin – 1 catch for 16 yards
BAL – T. Smith – 1 catch for 6 yards
BAL – D. Pitta – 1 catch for 6 yards

Ogletree of the game- Adam Vinatieri

Seahawks-Ravens

Total Offense: SEA 244, WAS 228
Rushing Yards: SEA 126, WAS 117
Passing Yards: SEA 118, WAS 50
First Downs: SEA 14, WAS 5

Comparables

Passing:
SEA – R. Wilson – 9 for 14, 138 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
WAS – R. Griffin III – 5 for 14, 64 yards

Rushing:
SEA – M. Lynch – 17 carries for 70 yards
SEA – R. Wilson – 5 carries for 47 yards
WAS – A. Morris – 12 carries for 21 yards
WAS – R. Griffin III – 4 carries for 16 yards
SEA – D. Baldwin – 1 carry for 5 yards
SEA – R. Turbin – 2 carries for 4 yards

Receiving:
SEA – A. McCoy – 1 catch for 38 yards
SEA – D. Butler – 2 catches for 33 yards
SEA – S. Rice – 2 catches for 28 yards
WAS – S. Moss – 1 catch for 23 yards
WAS – L. Hankerson – 1 catch for 19 yards
SEA – M. Lynch – 1 catch for 16 yards
WAS – L. Paulsen – 1 catch for 15 yards
SEA – Z. Miller – 2 catches for 15 yards
SEA – G. Tate – 1 catch for 8 yards
WAS – P. Garcon – 1 catch for 6 yards
WAS – D. Young – 1 catch for 1 yard

Ogletree of the game – Russell Wilson