Today is Super Bowl Media Day, and if you plan on watching the entire thing, you may want to try to make it interesting. Let’s face it, listening to the same boring questions and tired narratives being repeated over and over is enough to drive you to drink.
So if you are someone who has already resigned themselves to drinking alone today, here’s a fun little drinking game you can play (a drinking game that doesn’t even require pants).
Note: Do not engage in this game if you’re at work and you want to stay gainfully employed. Also, please drink responsibly; don’t wake up face down in the gutter reeking of Scope, urine, and shame because you took this game too literally.
1. Take a shot every time Ray Lewis’ retirement is mentioned, or someone waxes nostalgic about his career (be careful, this one could quickly lead to alcohol poisoning).
2. Take two shots whenever a reporter, player, or fan is caught gazing longingly at Mexican reporter Ines Sainz.
3. Take half a shot every time someone uses the term “Harbowl” or tries to push the Harbaugh brother vs. brother narrative. I say only take a half shot, because if you take an entire shot, you will pass out by the six-minute mark.
4. Take a shot whenever Joe Flacco says something idiotic and offensive.
5. Take a shot every time someone asks Flacco if he’s an “elite quarterback”.
6. Take five shots when a reporter asks a thoughtful and original question (five shots are required because of the rarity of the situation).
7. When you see a sign advertising the Golden Corral, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT TAKE A SHOT.
8. Take a shot whenever a reporter asks “What’s your relationship with the football?”
9. Take two shots whenever Colin Kaepernick’s age or tattoos are mentioned. Take a bonus shot whenever someone makes a pointless comparison between Kaepernick and Tim Tebow (people like shoehorning Tebow into all conversations).
10. Take a shot any time you hear Alex Smith audibly sigh as he stares wistfully into space, trying in vain to remember a time when he was a starting quarterback.
11. Take two shots whenever Deion Sanders or Michael Irvin laugh for an uncomfortably long time at one of their own terrible jokes.
12. Take a shot each time an analyst utters the statement “…at media day”.
13. Take six shots if a reporter has the audacity to ask Ray Lewis “How long have you been surrounded by thugs?” (He has actually been asked this question before).
Well, I’m going to cut off this post right here. I’m pretty confident that this game is enough to get you next level wasted.
But remember, play this game at your own risk. Don’t blame me when you’re thrown in the drunk tank because you exposed yourself to that woman at the bagel shop who always gets your order wrong.