Pictured: The world's saddest millionaire. No amount of money or sex with beautiful women will bring back that starting QB job.

Today was Super Bowl Media Day, so of course the Baltimore Ravens and San Francisco 49ers were bombarded with mostly pointless questions from both credible journalists and creepy clowns alike. Seriously, one of the guys was a clown who awkwardly forced the players into a high stakes game of roshambo.

So please join me as we travel to a wonderful world of superheroes, deer-antler spray, Lucha libre wrestlers, and delusion. Yes, join me in the wonderful world of Super Bowl Media Day.

Somewhere out there, the front of Brent Musberger's pants are tightening for some reason

 

"Fine, I'll do 'Teen Wolf Three'. I've got fair weather friends to feed."

 

No human being has ever been more uncomfortable than Ines Sainz looks at this very moment.

 

That’s right baby, I’m all natural. No sweat sock enhancements. Pure Haggans.

 

All you need to be a Hall-of-Fame football player is determination, an unwavering faith in God, and a sh@% load of deer antler velvet extract.

 

Before you endlessly mock this man, here’s a sobering thought: someone paid this clown to be there. Someone is paying this guy (and possibly paying for travel) while I, a non clown, is sitting here making terrible half-jokes.

 

I stared at this thing for a good five minutes before realizing that this is probably a poodle. I think. Terrifying.

 

After he was done defending media day from evil forces, Gary took three different buses to Taco Bell to save some six-hour old chalupas from the "dreaded dumpster".

 

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?"

This is either the most dedicated man in the history of sports journalism, or the craziest man who has ever escaped from a Lucha Libre themed mental hospital.

*BONUS CAPTION*

Hey boys, we got a complaint that someone is gettin’ high, drunk and playing space in the middle of the street.