If you want to bet on something during the Super Bowl this Sunday — anything — the Internet will appease your every desire. Hey look, is that a fight in the crowd? Who ya got: the drunk guy in the sparkly Ed Hardy shirt (+500), or the drunker guy in the sparklier Ed Hardy shirt (-500)?

Maybe you’d rather keep your focus on the game for your prop betting needs. Alright, fair enough. Do you think the first play of the second half will be a run? That prop is out there somewhere.

But here, we’re much more interested in the color of the Gatorade that will be dumped on the winning head coach, the elapsed time during the national anthem, and the amount of Darren Rovell tweets. We’re interested in the absurd, the zany, and the nonsensical. Mostly, we’re interested in Beyonce’s cleavage.

Behold, the craziest of the crazy 2013 Super Bowl props.

All of the props listed below in screen grab form (we use only the most advanced modern technology) are real props that give you an opportunity to lose real money. They’re brought to you by a variety of the web’s finest gambling websites (Bodog.net, Bovada, Sports Interaction, BetOnline, and Odds Shark), and I’ll provide some completely random guessing intense analysis.

Let’s do this.

Sing it to us, Alicia

Picks: The anthem length is one of the most traditional props, and the timing simply starts with the singer’s first note, and ends with the last. Keys has told MTV that she’ll be doing the anthem “my style, my way” which has major implications for two of the props above. Firstly, take the over on length, because that could mean a celtic dance or something. Secondly, cash in and check off “yes” on the words fumble.

As for the rest: it’s Alicia Keys, so our world will tumble from its natural orbit if she isn’t behind a piano. Go under on the final note, and, um, straight hair.

Pick: Booing Alicia Keys is blasphemous. No.

Are you ready for Beyonce’s halftime jelly?

Pick: She went with the curls while singing at Barack Obama’s inauguration (OR DID SHE SING?). She must now appease two-second attention spans and our need for variety. Straight.

Pick: There’s no way Hov can sit idly by and resist the Super Bowl spotlight.

Pick: This is tough. It all depends on the set list, and the amount of hip gyrating that’s required. The wild card is also the rumored Destiny’s Child reunion, which is why I’d lean headset.

Pick: The wager is always on the first outfit’s predominant color here. I like money, so pink(?).

Pick: This is a Sucker bet. Everyone knows that Beyonce comes out in a snowsuit to begin each concert, and then takes off one layer of clothing per song. We’ll need at least five songs to see any cleavage.

Pick: A easy call potentially if Jay-Z is in the actual performance. If not, there’s still at least two sightings.

Say, there’s a Harbaugh in this game, right?

Pick: This is shockingly low. Over.

Pick: The Harbaugh bros could decide to go anti-establishment here and make it only a brief embrace before meeting in a quiet and private setting later. Also, the sheer insanity of the field at that time isn’t conducive to a long, tearful moment of sibling love. Under.

Pick: Jim, because Jim Nantz loves Jims, and Phil Simms is operated by a remote control that’s currently in the possession of Jack Harbaugh. Everyone knows Jim is his favorite son.

Pick: So is this number only for the first series? OVER.

Pick: The first instinct is to say OVER OVER OVER OVER here too, but by Sunday CBS may actually realize that Harbowl talk has worn thin, and they’ll try to minimize using this insta-cringe title. However, Nantz and Simms will still drop at least three.

Pick: If they showed up and went all Brady Quinn’s sister/A.J. Hawk’s wife, a nation would implode. Or they could come dressed in opposing team attire, and switch at halftime. The more realistic answer, though, is nothing, and by that I mean no team clothes. Not no clothes, because that would be both weird and illegal.

Champagne and confetti time

Pick: If you’re leaning towards a 49ers win and therefore Colin Kaepernick as the MVP since it’s an award dominated by quarterbacks, then an almighty power will receive all of the praise and teary words.

Pick: The dousing as been done using clear — which I can only assume is called “Bursting Berry Fresh” — during four of the last 12 Super Bowls, and all four came during consecutive years (2005-2008). But whatever, H2O is better.

Pick: Does he say it more after a win, or a loss? If it’s the latter, then we’re easily looking at an under here, because only Stevie Johnson has the balls to blame God for a loss. Actually, I think it’s under either way, or at best a push. Lewis will certainly cry and praise a higher power above if he finishes his career with a championship, but he’ll begin an interview by mentioning his savior’s name once, and that will likely be it.

Cross-sport mind numbing

Pick: Ummm (*shrugs*)

Pick: (*Shrugs twice*)

Pick: (*hides in deep underground lair*)

Annnnd our grand finale

Pick: If the Interweb’s leader in douche can find something to bitch about at the Playboy Super Bowl party, surely he can tweet about the monetary value of each individual play.