Companies shell out millions of dollars and pull out all of the stops for just 30 seconds of Super Bowl airtime. They know for that 30 seconds, they’ll have the world’s undivided attention, so they better make it count (well maybe not undivided, as many folks will be stuffing their faces with heart-attack inducing snacks or guzzling cheap, domestic beer).

Most of these companies prey on our obsession with nostalgia. They trot out faces from our pop culture past, hoping to tug on our heartstrings while we loudly proclaim “Oh, I thought Yakov Smirnoff was dead”.

While I enjoy seeing how poorly stars from the 80′s have aged, last year Honda crossed the line.

Honda made Ferris Bueller drive a sensible sports utility vehicle. I’ll repeat that in case you didn’t understand: they made one of the most charismatic characters in the history of cinema drive a glorified soccer mom van.

Everyone’s favorite lovable scamp (and possible sociopath) has a taste for driving rare Ferraris, and there’s no way he would drive a Honda CR-V. Honda CR-Vs aren’t “so choice”.

Listen, I’m (kind of) an adult. I understand that Ferris isn’t real and that Matthew Broderick is an actor who’s playing himself. But everything in the commercial is framed like it’s the continuing adventures of Ferris Bueller. He breaks the fourth wall and addresses the camera, he bails on responsibility to have fun, and he’s probably being chased by a terrifyingly single-minded principal who has a fetish for breaking into truant student’s houses.

The face of evil

The whole thing got me worked up for a sequel that will never come (R.I.P. John Hughes). I would tell you that I didn’t weep for hours after I realized it was just a commercial, but I’m a terrible liar. A handsome, terrible liar.

Oh yeah, I guess I should probably make this post somewhat football related, so here’s some insider information that I got from someone close to the Baltimore Ravens.

My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Ray Lewis use deer antler spray at 31 flavors last night.

I guess it’s pretty serious.

You heard it here first, folks.