"Yes Jay, you do make me uncomfortable"

All week we’ve been talking about Super Bowl parties. We’ve taught you how to fake your way through one, how to choose the right one, and what kind of food you should make if you’re ever invited to one.

Hosting a Super Bowl party is a big deal. It’s not on the same level as say, the birth of your first child, but it’s still an important date on everyone’s social calendar. Throwing a great party isn’t really difficult; you just need to make sure you cover all the basics.

Here are some key points that will help you throw a successful pigskin shindig.

Have a large, hi-definition TV: If you’re going to have people over, you better not force them to repeatedly strain their eyes while trying to differentiate between a series of shapeless blobs on your 13-inch black and white Magnavox (no doubt damaging their eyes, eventually causing night blindness). Get it together! You agreed to host the Super Bowl party, you owe it to everyone to have a room crippling hi-def TV. This TV should be so uncomfortably large that it will widely be considered an eyesore. But your eyes won’t be sore, because you’ll have a high definition picture (you better not be running standard def on that behemoth). The picture should be so large and clear that you’ll duck out of the way of sweat spray, and fear for your personal safety every time Ray Lewis mean mugs the camera.

*I apologize if in the preceding paragraph I sounded like a pushy Future Shop salesman trying to sell you a TV with an overpriced warranty. I felt pretty dirty about it.*

Make sure you have enough food/beer to feed a relatively large army: Don’t be that guy who has a small bowl of low-fat pretzels, a plate of semi-cut cucumbers and two litres of off-brand Coca Cola (something like “Gary’s Drink” or “Prime Minister’s Choice”). If you want to know about what food you should serve, see Zubes’ Super Bowl recipe guide (a crock pot is key).

Gamble: You don’t have to go hardcore and delve deep into point-spreads and wacky prop bets, but a little bit of gambling makes the game interesting. Don’t go crazy, because there’s no need to make such a massive bet that you have to take out a second mortgage just to pay your debts. Keep it simple. It can be something like “If San Francisco wins, John has to do Jerry’s laundry for a month” or “If Baltimore wins, Jerry gets to have sex with John’s wife”.

Avoid being beaten to death by bookies

Don’t discriminate against super-fans: You and your guests can show some love for your favorite team, but please, have some dignity about it. Go ahead and wear your team jersey. And if you must, this is one of the few times it’s (relatively) socially acceptable to paint your face with team colors. Although I don’t agree with face painters, you can let their extreme fandom slide this time. This is the only day of the year that they won’t be violently punished for looking like a rejected Juggalo with a good old-fashioned caning.

Oh yeah, don’t forget to…Actually watch the game: I know the Super Bowl has evolved into a social event where people get together to drink, eat massive amounts of food, and watch insanely expensive/explosion-filled commercials, but there’s still a football game to be played. Many would even say that this football game is the culmination of an entire NFL season, because, you know, it is. I understand there are a few casual fans who are psyched to see the Destiny’s Child reunion, but let’s not lose sight of why this game is actually happening. It’s happening so that companies can shill as many products as poss..errr…uhhh…it’s happening because we need to crown an NFL champion.

I wish one of these fine ladies would pay my "Auto-mobills"

Last but not least, don’t eat yourself into a food coma.

Or do, I’m not your boss.

Have a good Super Bowl!