You remember Mitch Ross, right? Of course you do. He’s the guy who brought the joys of deer-antler spray to Super Bowl week. Oh, the fun we’ve had while wondering what kind of a man (or woman?) had the bravery to spray antler gunk in their mouth, and know they would live to talk about it, and then turn it into a viable business. What a world.

Anywho, after receiving death threats from Ravens fans (seriously) due to his reported involvement with Ray Lewis which the linebacker repeatedly and vehemently denied while saying something about the devil, Ross descended upon the awaiting media locusts today at the Super Bowl in New Orleans to tell his side of the tale.

How’d that go? Well, pretty much this, over and over…

Sigh indeed, Rapsheet. All the sighs.

Oh, the fun was just beginning.

Ross kept calling the Sports Illustrated story that originally outed Lewis and his deer antler operation “one-sided” which seems like an odd term since it specifically contained his words, spoken during his phone calls. But before he could elaborate on exactly why it was one-sided, he caved to his urge to be absolutely insane.

Back to you, Rapsheet.

Ahhh, makes sense. I can only assume this is the same God who will have a hand in Sunday’s game. He took the under and the Ravens, it seems.

The holograms Ross speaks of look like this, and it’s a chip or sticker that fights against fatigue, helping you to “not get tired.” He said Lewis paid him an endorsement that was supposed to give the Ravens holograms forever.

Alright then, crazy deer antler guy. But what about that antler spray you gave Lewis?

Huh, that’s a problem. But Lewis was at least in possession of the spray, and only God knows whether or not he actually put it in his mouth.

Then the real fun started, as Ross said that in 2009, Brett Favre asked to have a “full body sticker”, which sounds pretty damn intense. I mean, ask yourself this: if we wrapped Favre in a full sticker, wouldn’t history be altered forever? Would a new Favre be created? Would he kill us? In addition to Favre, Ross said he also supplied deer antler spray to Roy Williams and Giants punter Steve Weatherford (Weatherford immediately shot down his alleged involvement).

Back to Lewis, though, because he’s the guy we all want to hate so much. Ross said Lewis hasn’t texted him recently. But most importantly, Ross said the content of contention in the antler spray that the NFL bans — IGF-1, because it’s a growth hormone — is all natural, and not synthetic. That means it’s not illegal, and for the record, the performance-enhancing chips aren’t illegal either. Ross sent over 600 chips to the Ravens for use during the playoffs, and he has the text messages to prove it. He also sent chips to the Patriots last year.

He’s a busy man too, as most men who dabble in the scummy underground of sketchy PEDs usually are. He has seven phones, which is about six more than any sane-minded person needs.

While playing show and tell with the group of reporters and promoting both his chips and spray, he also opined on Junior Seau, saying he committed suicide because of sleep deprivation. But the most important question on everyone’s mind (one of their two minds, according to Ross…no really) was this…

Annnd with that, I’m out.

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