There’s no football for seven months. You’re mad, lost, and scared. You assume that NFL players do things to prepare for the season. Things like run, lift weights, and eat apples. Like your kindergarten scrapbook that’s filled with sand and stick men, our Offseason Scrapbook will track the travels of NFL players through their social media rantings during this time of freedom.
And so it returns. As those weird slanted words just told you, sporadically throughout the offseason when I
feed you Friday afternoon fodder feel like taking a little break from the serious matters of discussing player movement and how it effects both real teams and fake teams, we’ll see what those zany NFL players are up to during the eight months they have to avoid drunk driving. A man who catches dinner with a spear seems like a good place to start.
Patriots punter Zoltan Mesko proudly calls himself a fourth down quarterback on his Twitter bio. I suppose that’s accurate, but I prefer Chris Kluwe’s outlook: he’s a professional surrenderer.
Punters are people too, and although his offseason has been short so far since he plays for a team that wins a lot of football games, that hasn’t held Mesko back from his aforementioned spear hunting adventures. He probably didn’t leave the dock in the picture below, and there’s no word as to whether or not anything more than a water snake was injured.
But I have an image of Mesko standing triumphantly at the bow of a tiny fishing dinghy, navigating his way through rough, unforgiving waters like a hero, dammit. And no one’s going to take that away from me.
Mesko is rather diverse, and he has many hobbies outside of fighting swaying seas and battling vicious water monsters. He’s also an accomplished artist. His canvas? Ruffles chips.
If this whole kicking a football great distances thing doesn’t work out, then there’s always a future in the fine arts of garbage food manipulation. Maybe — and I’m venturing out on a limb here — Mesko has been dabbling in chip expression a little too much, and that’s what necessitated his dental drilling.
But it’s clear that when he’s not rearranging either chips or his teeth, Mesko’s favorite offseason activity is modeling…with tiny dogs, while wearing nothing but a speedo.
Mesko has also had time this offseason to ponder the great questions of our modern times. Such as how, exactly, global warming will change our viewing of exotic animals…
Article I read. “If current global warming patterns persist, we’ll only be able to see Polar Bears at the zoo.” – Oh so nothing will change?
— Zoltan Mesko (@ZoltanMesko) January 30, 2013
So now you know. If you ever need a chip artist or fresh fish for dinner, call Zoltan. If you need someone to babysit your dogs, don’t call Zoltan.