carrie-underwood2

Yesterday we learned that Faith Hill will no longer be asking us where, exactly, Sunday Night Football is, and rhyming “Jack” with “fact”. Say it ain’t so, Faith.

Shattered. Faith Hill easily leads the list of things I associate with Sundays in the fall, and she’s only narrowly ahead of being asked if I’d like to date a cougar 26 times throughout 14 hours of television viewing. Oh, that only happens to me?

Anywho, it took me a solid 24 hours to recover from Faith breaking up with us. As part of the mourning process, I thought we’d take a quick trip to listicle land to find a suitable replacement who meets network television’s ogling vocal standards. There’s a problem with everyone who isn’t named Carrie Underwood, and we keep it real with No. 7.

1. Carrie Underwood: OK, the list is over then. Let’s go home. Underwood has the same country music background as Hill, and that appeals to the old guard among NBC’s target demographic. You know who you are. At 30 years old, she still has her youth too, which is also important to both the old guard, and men everywhere. Yeah, we’re ending the bush beating already.

2. Taylor Swift: See above. Youth? Country twang? Desirable blond woman? Check, check, check. The problem with Swift is that she may be too young, and far too associated with those bee-boppin’ tweeny teens who put ribbons in their hair and hate on their ex-boyriends. We must not anger the south.

3. Katy Perry: There’s appeal here, both to the wandering male gaze, and for the two people watching who appreciate sound vocal stylings. Perry’s flaw? Her lack of normal-ness. Johnny Cowboy fan ain’t havin’ no blue haired girl on his TV. No sir.

4. Beyonce: She has the Super Bowl appearance, so there’s that. But like Perry, she still seems a little too pop-ish and/or hip hop-ish to be introducing us to the brute sport of football face smashing.

5. Selena Gomez: Gomez has both the youth tweeny deal going (see: Swift), and the pop thing too (see: Perry). Combined, that will coat television sets in beer. However, this would be a bold move to target the middle school bro demographic.

6. Britney Spears: Eggball fans like to keep their comeback stories on the field. The male species may again enjoy looking at Spears, but this isn’t 1998 with your puffy pink hair things anymore, sister.

7. Kate Upton: Let’s end all the pretending, alright? Men who watch football like to look at women who are, well, easy to look at, and they give few craps about singing talent. So have the Internet’s queen of clickage dance around for a while, and then vocally give her the Cher uber-digitized treatment. Done.