Wait, what?

Wait, what?

The NFL draft comes your way this week, meaning 254 lucky players will have their names called and get the opportunity to shake the hand of Roger Goodell while posing with a blank jersey. There are 119 Division I football teams in the NCAA, which means there are over 10,000 college football players out there, which means there are roughly 20,000 parents responsible for naming children, which means there are hundreds of opportunities for there to be kids born with names that are fun to read and say out loud.

Like many things in life, finding fun names is ultimately a numbers game, and nothing in sports can compare to the number of prospects entered into the NFL Draft. Yours truly scoured the Top-1,000 athletes that have declared themselves draft eligible and whittled it down to the Top 100 Names Entered in the 2013 NFL Draft.

This year’s list is organized in order of which fictional Key & Peele “East/West College Bowl” player they resemble best. If you aren’t familiar with the sketch, enjoy the video and join me after the jump for the countdown.


Jackmerius Tacktheritrix (Heroes And Villains)

Cannon Smith – Memphis – SS – How is a guy named Cannon not a QB?
Sharrif Floyd – Florida – DT
Justice Cunningham – South Carolina – TE – Sharrif and Justice need to team up ASAP
Khaseem Greene – Rutgers – OLB
Dax Swanson – Sam Houston State – CB – As a rule I never trust anyone named Dax
Izaan Cross – Georgia Tech – DT
Darrington Sentimore – Tennessee – DT – Calling it right now: He’s actually a character in Star Wars VII

L’Carpetron Dookmarriot (First Names I Wish I’d Been Given)

Shamarko Thomas – Syracuse – SS – Somewhere, a guy named Marco Thomas is being shown up
Meshake Williams – Kansas State – DE – Very confused by the “polaroid picture” part of ‘Hey Ya’
Kanorris Davis – Troy – SS
Antavian Edison – Purdue – WR – Bookmarking this one for my future son
Jawanza Starling – Souther California – SS – Bubba Starling can’t be happy about this
Kiko Alonso – Oregon – ILB
Paipai Falemalu – Hawaii – OLB – The life of Paipai
Kendial Lawrence – Missouri – RB – If you’re reading this and your name is Ken, your parents are quitters
 
D’Squarius Green, Jr. (It Ends With ‘us’)

Latavius Murray – UCF – RB
Martavius Neloms – Kentucky – FS
Tenarius Wright – Arkansas – OLB
Omarius Hines – Florida – WR
Quanterus Smith – Western Kentucky – DE
 
Swirvithan L’Goodling-Splatt (That’s A New One)

Blidi Wreh-Wilson – Connecticut – CB
Tevita Stevens – Utah – C
Kapron Lewis-Moore – Notre Dame – DT
Uona Kaveinga – Brigham Young – ILB
Lanear Sampson – Baylor – WR
Rontez Miles – California (PA) – FS
Otha Foster – West Alabama – FS
Oday Aboushi – Virginia – OG
Manase Foketi – West Texas A&M – OG
Washaun Ealey – Jacksonville State – RB
 
D’Glester Hardunkichud (Fun Wit’h A’postrophe’s)

 Da’Rick Rogers – Tennessee Tech – WR – Rick Rogers probably would have made this list too.
Ja’Garen Davis – Southern Methodist – OLB
T’Sharvan Bell – Auburn – CB
La’Rod King – Kentucky – WR – That’s what they called me in high school
 
Scoish Velociraptor Maloish (4:20 Friendly)

Jake Stoneburner – Ohio State – TE
Blaize Foltz – TCU – OG
Baker Steinkuhler – Nebraska – DT
Eric Kush – California (PA) – C
 
Davoin Shower-Handel (Verbs & Nouns)

Herman Lathers – Tennessee – OLB – And rinses and repeats
Ridge Wilson – West Alabama – OLB
Braxston Cave – Notre Dame – C
Jamoris Slaughter – Notre Dame – SS
Nickell Robey – Southern California – CB
Brian Slay – North Carolina State – DE
D.J. Swearinger – South Carolina – FS
Akeem Shavers – Purdue – RB – Now with an extra blade!
 
Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz (New Twists On Classic Names)

Brynden Trawick – Troy – SS
Jumal Rolle – Catawba – CB
Zaviar Gooden – Missouri – OLB
Trabis Ward – Tennessee State – RB
Stansly Maponga – TCU – DE
 
Eeeeee Eeeeeeeee (Announcer’s Nightmare)

Philip Lutzenkirchen – Auburn – TE
Uzoma Nwachukwu – Texas A&M – WR
Chibuikem Okoro – Wake Forest – CB
Omoregie Uzzi – Georgia Tech – OG
Emeka Onyenekwu – La. – Lafayette – DE
Eze Obiora – Souther Illinois – DE
Chancy Aghayere – LSU – DE
 
Ibrahim Moizoos (Miscellaneous Goodness)

Alonzo Tweedy – Virginia Tech – SS
Kemal Ishmael – UCF – SS
Isi Sofele – California – RB
Vaughn Telemaque – Miami (Fla.) – FS – He’s a Telemaqueter
Maikon Bonani – South Florida – K
Avis Commack – Akron – CB
Toben Opurum – Kansas – FB
Caylin Hauptmann – Florida International – OG
 
J’Dinkalage Morgoone (Pop Culture)

Earl Wolff – North Carolina State – SS – He’s got a future. An Odd Future
Tourek Williams – Florida International – DE – The Dinosaur Hunter
Jordan Dangerfield – Towson – FS – Ranked 703rd by CBS Sports. No respect I tells ya!
Bacarri Rambo – Georgia – FS
Shaq Wilson – South Carolina – OLB
Omar Hunter – Florida – DT – You don’t hunt Omar. Omar hunts you.
Prentiss Waggner – Tennessee – CB – If he gets big he’ll be the Celebrity Prentiss
Reid Fragel – Ohio State – OT – Fragel Rocks
Corey Lemonier – Auburn – OLB – Love that song “Ho Hey”
 
Quatro Quatro (Absolutely Awesome Alliteration)

Rodrick Rumble – Idaho State – WR – Get ready for him
Taimi Tutogi – Arizona – SS
Brodrick Brown – Oklahoma State – CB
Gee Gee Greene – Navy – RB
Shakiel Smith – Tulane – FS
Miguel Maysonet – Stony Brook – RB
 
Hingle McCringleberry (Something McSomething)

Quincy McDuffie – UCF – WR
Blake McJunkin – Southern Methodist – C
Dexter McCoil – Tulsa – SS
Jamarkus McFarland – Oklahoma – DT
Onterio McCalebb – Auburn – RB
 
Donkey Teeth (Easy Jokes)

Moe Lee – Utah – CB – Holy Moe Lee!
Tyron Laughinghouse – St. Augustine – WR
Wayne Times – Florida International – WR – Also the name of the newspaper in the town of Wayne
Justin Pugh – Syracuse – OT
Levin Toilolo – Stanford – TE – Perfect for twitter LOLmenclature
Cierre Wood – Notre Dame – RB
Cordian Hagans – La. – Lafayette – DT – He’s a cordian
 
Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace (Pure Excellence)

Star Lotulelei – Utah – DT – My favorite thing about this is his brother’s name is John
Cornellius Carradine – Florida State – DE
Ronnie Wingo Jr. – Arkansas – FB – Also a drummer in a jazz trio
Dee Brizzolara – Chicago – WR
Zeke Motta – Notre Dame – SS
O’Hara Fluellen – Lincoln (MO) – CB – I really want to know where Ellen went after leaving Chicago
 
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop (Best Overall Name)

Barkevious Mingo – LSU – OLB – I don’t care what your name is, it’s not better than Barkevious Mingo.

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