We can pack up shop for the week now. Let’s just end it early here on Thursday morning, and have a really long weekend. Nothing that appears on the Interwebs for the remainder of the week will get better than a Tim Tebow-Chuck Norris pairing.
This has been anticipated since the moment Tebow was conceived, yet having two beings who possess such immense power seemed unthinkable. As a human race, will we be able to handle their combined might? I’m still not sure, but now we’ll find out in the coming days. They’ve aligned, and anything is possible.
Earlier this week the magic happened when Norris wrote a rambling manifesto in support of Tebow and his search for meaningful NFL employment. He published his digital Tebow hug on something called News Busters, which comes with the tag line “exposing and combating liberal media bias”. In turn, that means the site in question isn’t at all biased, even a little bit.
Although a Norris-Tebow pairing is pretty much the greatest thing the Internet has offered us until at least tomorrow, sadly, I think Norris may be the celebrity spokesperson for the mercifully now dwindling Tebow support group which is localized in Jacksonville.
So let’s dive in. But excuse me for a moment while I skip around like a hyperactive child on Christmas morning who’s opening his Nintendo 64…
OK, all better. Let’s go.
Norris was quick to address the Tebow critics. So basically, everyone.
I’ve heard the critics say Tebow has poor technical skills, but the truth is that Tim is a natural leader, an amazingly gifted football player, an inspiration to his team and the possessor of intense determination and strategy to bring any team to victory — no matter what the odds. One can improve technique, but leadership is innate.
No, leadership is almost solely narrative based, and although it exists as a characteristic, it can’t be measured. Therefore, it can be applied liberally as a sort of discussion-ender for those like Norris who have this weird Tebow infatuation. “But he’s a leader!” they say repeatedly. What, exactly, does that mean? That Tebow is somehow able to motivate men to do their jobs even though they’re already giving maximum effort, while he remains terrible at his job due to those “technical skills” Norris tosses aside?
A leader is a great leader if his team is winning, and he’s then a scared little man if his team is losing. That’s always true even though in both circumstances, he’s the same guy.
Tebow is a player who rises to the occasion and delivers big in critical moments. He reminds me of myself when I used to compete in martial arts. I would spar with my black belts in class, and sometimes they would outscore me. Yet in the tournaments, I would defeat them. My students used to ask me, “Why is it that we can contend equally against you in class but can’t beat you in the tournaments?” My answer was always the same: “When it counts, I rise to the occasion.”
Tebow may have executed some fine passes in the rare and controlled situations in which he was permitted to attempt throws in Denver. But Tim Tebow didn’t win a single game. The Denver Broncos won games, with the defense making those heroic fourth-quarter drives possible by keeping scores close, and Willis McGahee grinding the clock down.
So what team do I feel should give Tim the opportunity to excel as a quarterback and usher it to Super Bowl status?
My present pick would be the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Oh good, this is exactly what those petition crazies in Jacksonville need. The backing of a Texas ranger ninja warrior, or something. Go on…
Why? To put it simply, it’s because Tim could help turn that mediocre team into a championship one. Tebow works miracles on the field, and his inclusion would embolden the spirit of the Jaguars’ players and fans.
Tebow has attempted 361 career passes, yet only 47.9 percent of them have landed in the hands of their desired target. This fact cannot be overstated, so I’ll keep stating it whenever anyone — even our world’s leading martial master — suggests Tebow is a starting-caliber quarterback: a guy who gets paid to throw can’t throw.
But, but…HE’S A WINNER!
I have been an athlete all my life, being a six-time undefeated world middleweight champion in the martial arts, and I know a winner when I see one.
Tim Tebow is a winner — plain and simple!
I can’t even be mad at you, Chuck, because you’re also the leader in awesome among all humans. And if you want to keep writing rambling bible chapters on Tebow that exceed 1,400 words in length, then the Internet is your playground, dammit.
But Norris still hasn’t answered a pressing question: does he really wear Tim Tebow pajamas?