kevin smith potatoes2

I only vaguely remember this.

We’re often told to reflect around this time of year, and get all misty-eyed about advancing one more year closer to death (and a happy holidays to you!). When we do that, the result is usually often mournful slow jams that wiggle their way into your ear forever, and then a few minutes wondering what, exactly, you did over the past year.

For many of you, the answer to that question might be pretty easy. Maybe you finally married the love of your life, or started a family, or landed a pretty sweet and rewarding job that you always wanted. Or in an even greater accomplishment, maybe you’re a scientist who created an artificial ear that can grown within days. You win.

But during this time when we’re around family and we’d like to avoid conversations about when we’re getting married, when we’re starting a family, and when we’re creating our own ear that can grow in days, distractions are needed. Don’t worry, I’m here, and the NFL’s year of awesome is too.

For my contribution to some holiday season list/review/reflection and to hold you over for a few days as I depart and venture deep into my own Christmas wonderland, I decided to keep it fun, because I like fun. Specifically, with now only one week left in the regular season, a season of odd NFL happenings is nearly complete.

The blazing pace of an NFL season leads to a bit of memory loss, which is a damn shame. Each week we’re so busy caring intensely about the latest piece of inane nothingness (by gawd, why did Dez Bryant walk off the field early?) that the NFL portion of our minds reach max capacity and something has to be pushed out.

So if that describes the amnesia you’re suffering from, let’s start curing what ails you. In no particular order whatsoever, here’s the best in NFL amusement and weirdness thus far in the 2013 season.

1. This is illegal, right? RIGHT?!?

No, no it isn’t. Afterwards, Vernon Davis informed us that, yes, being tackled by that part of your body isn’t pleasant. Good to know.

2. The abominable Megatron

The iconic image from a Week 14 Blizzard Bowl between the Lions and Eagles, this was the time when Calvin Johnson re-discovered that certain sacrifices have to be made while catching balls in many inches of white stuff. Like snow deep in your eyeballs.

3. The manliest tears a man can tear

Knowshon Moreno’s tears are now going through military testing. Secretly, he’s Aqua Man.

Because this is nearly the year 2014 and a man can’t cry torpedo tears without the world wondering if he is in fact a mutant, after Moreno unleash his waterworks during the anthem prior to a Dec. 1 game against Kansas City, he was asked if some other force — be it outside or internal — propelled those giant tears from his face. Maybe dehydration?

Nope. Tell us more, For The Win:

“Definitely hydrated,” Moreno joked on Monday. “I don’t know, I guess the slow motion made it look a little worse than it was.”

Moreno insisted that he’s just an emotional guy, and he gets “fired up” to play.

“Excited to play this game, excited to be a part of this team, definitely blessed and privileged to be able to play this game,” Moreno said.

Jokes aside, long ago I acknowledged that I’ll never truly understand what it’s like to be an NFL player. I know, that’s shocking to you, but it’s a thought that goes beyond the lack of skill, size, coordination, and general talent. The players we watch every Sunday are unique humans because of more than just their physical appearance.

For many — and arguably, for the most effective at their craft — there’s an intense mental approach to the game that none of us will ever identify with. If given the time and proper workout regime, maybe we could sculpt our feeble muscles to the required football mass, and hell, with the right training maybe we could even develop about half the skill that Calvin Johnson has.

But that football mentality can’t be duplicated.

4. Best unintentional commentary? Best unintentional commentary

Or intentional? You crazy, factory of sadness.

5. Touching is required for tackling

To be fair, tackling only started this season. Previously all defenders who wished to halt a ball carrier had to engage them in a game of hop scotch.

One must always be careful when using a cross-sport reference. So with that in mind, I’ll keep hyper local and note that the above play reminds me of the time since departed Blue Jays first baseman David Cooper neglected a fundamental aspect of baseball: tagging a runner.

Why didn’t he just tag him?

6. The Jaguars’ worst opponent is the Jaguars

This is what ballin’ out looks like in Jacksonville. Seek and destroy.

7. The ghost of Christmas present

ANIMATED: Terry Bradshaw maniacally flies remote control plane: on Twitpic

Whoops, now you’re mentally scared forever, and from now on upon seeing Terry Bradshaw you’ll hurl condiments at your television. Maybe you were already doing that.

8. Tom Brady is that kid who packed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day

His mom still thinks he’s cool.

9. A place and time to rest


Wheeeeeeeee. Cortland Finnegan isn’t ashamed to let 10-year-old Cortland Finnegan do things that fill him with great joy.

10. Tuel time = suck time

Points added for creativity. Points subtracted for crippling blindness.

11. Best magic loogie of the season

Say, are we sure delirious Terry Bradshaw is only able to pilot that helicopter thing? If he controls all NFL bounces, bobbles, and blips, I fear for us all.

12. And the runner up for magic loogie of the season…

Either Bradshaw drank too much chocolate milk on this day, or yes, Bill Belichick has indeed thought of every possible outcome. Neither would surprise me.

13. Troy Polamalu rebels against all conformity

The league’s favorite fluff head has no time or tolerance for your divisive walls. Let freedom reign.

The most impressive part of this play to me is that Polamalu even thought about doing it. That element of surprise and creativity has defined his career.

A fraction of a second later, and he actually pulls this off.

14. I have no idea what any of this means

But I do know that since this went down back in Week 6, I’ve been screaming “SHOW PONIES!!!” at the slightest moment of everyday happiness. Example: when I have exact change for a morning coffee.

15. This must be the uniform in hell

“GriffMo” sounds like the nickname of a kid in high school who was always just sort of around, and no one ever bothered to learn his real name. Eventually this gets shortened to “Griff” and then simply “Mo”.