battub

The first time I was exposed to a cluster of NFL-ish fan songs was during the height of Tim Tebow’s reign in Denver. There was a little bit of everything, with aspiring artists of all ages involved. Yes, the winter of 2011 was a frightening time in our lives when the Internet was flooded with surprisingly honest parodies, odes to Tebowing, strumming candlelight worshipping, and whatever the hell this is…

The joy spread quickly, and then vanished just as fast. But like the awful music you listened to in high school which reminds you of that time you were out for a rip, the memories live on in lyrical form.

Each year around this time as the playoffs intensify and so too does the level of fan fervor, I find myself almost subconsciously drifting to Youtube dot com and punching in something like this: “Team X fan songs”. I’m not entirely sure how this habit began, but it likely goes back to that initial exposure to the musical wonders created whenever football fans and an instrument of some kind collide. What I’ve learned is that the true sign of a great fan song is the viewer’s ability to last past the 30-second mark.

So on the eve of the divisional round, I took a little adventure to see the best musical stylings among the teams remaining (a team that will likely dominate tomorrow did the same here). It’s a tough life, this job of mine, as this little fun time Friday project required sifting through a lot of white people rapping, the sort that the ears can’t unhear.

But in no particular order, there were still some gems from this past season and a little beyond.

Redemption song?

The true artistry is before the 1:30 mark. Candles around a bubbly bathtub, and many beverages within reach? Good, here I was thinking I’m the only one who’s been there after a loss.

Stiff arms = sexual arousal

Another one from the same duo, those chart topping sensations from Seattle, this one coming complete with a plea to bring the Sonics back, and a man confessing to being sexually aroused by a Marshawn Lynch stiff arm.

A fine Saints rebuttal

Since Seahawks fans are likely about to cause a seismic shift tomorrow, it makes sense that we began here with two Hawks fan duets, and as expected the Internet is flooded with them. But here we have a #HotTake fired right back from New Orleans. A six-year-old says the Seahawks will be crushed “just like a tiny bug”. Repeatedly…apparently.

Equal parts terrifying and brilliant

Returning to Seattle because of course, the description of Marshawn Lynch as a ”tattooed angel with huge thighs” is…unique.

Gangsta for life

Another one from the youth gansta rap of the future, here’s a classic tune that surfaced during the buildup to last year’s Super Bowl, and it’s now forever in the NFL fan song hall of fame. It’s Sarah Redden’s smash hit (one of her three) that did the viral thing pretty quickly, and was featured on morning shows and the like last February. Extra points for the duck.

Just a lonely man and his guitar

This little ditty is a year old too, but that matters little because the song remains timeless if you substitute “Ravens” with the current Broncos playoff opponent. Indeed, it can be a yearly fight song, and this man may be the next great musician of our time. He also might play snakes and ladders by himself in alleyways.