Two years ago during the holiday season I did a weekly post in which I scoured the deepest, dark, and dangerous depths of eBay to help you find a gift for the football fan in your life. Oh, the adventures we had, and I’m still waiting on that Lynn Swann Hi-C can.
I learned something through that exercise: holy crap there’s a lot of random NFL team-related merchandise and collector’s items that exist. I know, that seems like obvious knowledge, but you really need to spend a few hours of your life clicking through the obscure items people want to sell to truly understand. I have no idea why you’d ever do that (yes, this is my life).
That’s why when I saw what the fine folks over at Buffalo Rumblings unearthed this morning when they asked their readers to send in pictures of random merchandise, I wasn’t surprised. But oh, I was amused.
This is the sparkling gem: a glass buffalo stomping a dolphin, and it’s autographed by Jim Kelly.
Every team needs something like this, though I’m not sure how you’d depict the Steelers/Ravens rivalry. Maybe just keep it simple with a raven taking a precision crap on a bro who’s wearing a Big Ben jersey, and drinking Natty Light.
Darnell Dockett has had a pretty eventful week, which makes this week like most Darnell Dockett weeks. First, he unveiled a new mask, showing the world that he is, in fact, a blorgon.
Now, he’s used his favorite social media platform (no, not the one which allowed him to shower in front of the entire Internet) to tell us why he truly enjoys football. Something about violence, and hurting people.
We’ve always known this to be true about defensive players, especially those in the trenches who get to deal out the most concussions pain. But to see it expressed so openly — and randomly — like this is just so…Darnell Dockett.
Maybe Dockett is just being pragmatic here, because football is indeed one of the few occupations in which inflicting bodily harm is morally acceptable. Of course, one day office jails everywhere will hire Terry Tate-like brutes to increase productivity, and all retired football players will have a new outlet for their bodily harm urges.
Oh also, I think we’ve found the NFL’s new marketing slogan. Something like “The NFL: where bodily harm to an individual is morally acceptable”. Yeah, we’ll work on it.
Whenever I’ve had a reason to write about a tight end and his place in our fantasy football circle of trust honor, I’ve often bowed at the feet of the BIG FIVE. They are gods we worship to no end, unless of course Rob Gronkowski goes Gronking, and ends his evening by pile driving a bro while speeding away from the club on a scooter. And that’s just a Tuesday.
When we draft tight ends, the top tier usually consists of Gronkowski, Jimmy Graham, Aaron Hernandez, Tony Gonzalez, and Jason Witten. And then there’s the rest, with varying degrees of separation at an unpredictable position.
But early in the draft season we’re seeing the continuation of a trend which developed last year, and it’s downright unhealthy. The investment needed to own the two tight ends at the very top of the BIG FIVE is exceedingly steep, and while the return may be glorious, it seems glorious may not quite be good enough.
Today has been a day of discovery, and we’ve learned so much about the coaches of the NFL and what they’re passionate about. Specifically, Pete Carroll is a strong supporter of the American military, but he may or may not believe 9/11 was a real thing. Alright then.
Meanwhile, new Cardinals head coach Bruce Arians has another matter he feels strongly about, and he had a rather interesting way of articulating his views:
Bruce Arians on why #azcardinals don’t stretch before practice: “If a guy starts chasing you with a gun, you’re not going to stretch.”
That’s his stance on pre-practice stretching, which seems like an odd opinion for a man who leads a group of athletes. I’m far removed from my days as a world class Skee Ball player, but I believe it’s customary for athletes to stretch prior to strenuous exercise, and get the muscles they use to do crazy amazing things properly limber.
This is why most teams presumably have an organized stretching period before practice, because dedicating a few minutes to doing snow angels on the field is a pretty easy preventative maintenance measure to avoid hammy pulls and other such strains.
Arians will not tolerate that nonsense. Stretch on your own time, Cardinals peasants.
Want to know how I know you’re a 9/11 truther? Probably if you had the privilege to sit down with a four-star general, and you asked if the attack on the Pentagon — a place where said general spent a lot of time, and likely lost colleagues — actually happened.
That’s reportedly one of the questions Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll asked retired general Peter Chiarelli, according to Jack Dickey’s classic June in the NFL story over at Deadspin. These quick-ish posts that pass along an item which may be of, er, interest to you usually exclude Deadspin, mostly because those folks win the Internet hourly. But this is a fine exception.
I could pretend to be surprised by the release of Willis McGahee, but I like you guys too much to lie like a filthy person. Although McGahee didn’t believe it because a running back must never concede that his death bed awaits until death itself beckons, this move has been nearly a formality since the moment Denver spent a second-round pick on Montee Ball.
So yeah, it’s officially happened now. Which means omg MONTEE BALL MONTEE BALL MONTEE BALL MONTEE BALL.
Dedicated readers — yes, all nine of you — will recognize that headline. As if it’s some sort of sign from the gods, it was used exactly a month ago, just with a different name. That time, the name in question was Tyler Wilson when we learned that he has/had(?) a real chance to win the starting quarterback gig for the Raiders, even though they just traded for Matt Flynn, and even though they gave up a second-round pick for Terrelle Pryor.
But after some sober reflection, that made some sense, though even the possibility of Wilson’s abrupt rise was more of a reflection on the inexperience and ineffectiveness of Flynn and Pryor, who have combined for three career starts. Now we may be seeing sort of the same thing in Jacksonville with Mike Kafka, except inexperience isn’t a problem for Blaine Gabbert and Chad Henne.