We break briefly from our lingering Super Bowl hangover (true story: I went to bed at 4:30 a.m., slept through my alarm by a good hour, and then walked straight from the warm comforts of sweet winter dreams to my friend the black living room chair, where I’ve been writing ever since…I am your monkey) for some good, wholesome performance-enhancing drugs talk courtesy of Arian Foster.
Oh boy oh boy oh boy.
Update (3:35 p.m. ET): Maybe there’s an explanation for all of this, as Foster left the game and went to the locker room due to an illness. Still, it’s quite clear that the Mayans have formed some kind of a pact with the fantasy gods.
As I’m writing these words there are Arian Foster owners who are drinking all of the scotch which had been laid out with care as part of delightful Christmas Eve spreads prior to festive gatherings tomorrow night.
That’s what 12 rushing yards on eight first-half carries will do to a man. Yes, that’s Foster’s first half total. No, it’s not a typo.
Only a little worried. You know that feeling when you’re driving away from the grocery store and you’re not sure if you bought orange juice with pulp, no pulp, or lots of pulp? Yeah, that kind of worried. Also, pulp is the worst.
Paint me as a crazed overreacting crazy man if you want, although I’m very much trying to sidestep the ledge dwelling here. I consider myself to be a rational, sane-minded human, except as it relates to orange juice. But I still think that after there was an even split between Arian Foster and Justin Forsett in Houston’s backfield during their win over Tennessee yesterday, you — the Foster owners — need to acknowledge your fear.
Embrace it, and be one with it.
Yesterday Arian Foster was the top running back in our weekly composite rankings due to his matchup against the Bills, and later this afternoon when I begin writing my Sunday manifesto that features the top three most favorable and least favorable matchups, he’ll almost definitely occupy the top spot in the former category. Repetition leads to mental muscle memory, and eventually the memorization of multiplication tables, and also the biblical knowledge of the week’s potential top producers. It’s science.
But we wouldn’t be repeating this so often if it wasn’t worthy of your undivided attention. At this point, if you’re opposing a team that’s starting Foster, just take Sunday off and watch the entire first season of the X-Files on Netflix. Just because you’re not paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re not after you.
Arian Foster’s matchup is so good this week, that anyone playing a team with him rostered needs to be given the fantasy equivalent of five strokes on every hole. Seems totally fair and legit.
We return with our weekly composite rankings compiled by myself and fellow spreadsheet enthusiast Devang Desai, and the usual cast of characters checks in (Michael Fabiano and Matt Smith from NFL.com, and Jeremy Eisenberg and Dave Richard from CBS).
Annnd go…
Arian Foster's goal-line efficiency is the new inefficiency.
Watching as your running back is repeatedly stuffed at the goal-line goes beyond a feeling of loss. You feel betrayed, cold, and alone.
It’s a special kind of failure even though it happens so often, because the inability to finish a drive that may have otherwise been successful for your RB leads to the kind of crazy which digs that ass dent in your couch several inches deeper. Trust me, I know.
An end zone drop by a wide receiver is the equivalent of a car wreak. It’s painful, and sometimes fatal, but it’s also sudden and over quickly. Your top running back can get stuffed multiple times, and sometimes even on back-to-back plays. It’s one of the most cruel punishments fantasy football has to offer.
Of course, you don’t draft a running back solely because of his goal-line ability. But it’s nice to know that the deal can be finished, and the red zone RB slayer can be defeated swiftly. So, who’s the best at such sword wielding tomfoolery? There’s a chart for that.
Rotoworld’s Chet Gresham was kind enough to look back through the first five weeks of the season thus far, and chart the success (or lack thereof) of running backs who have had a minimum of two rushing attempts inside the opponent’s five yard line. What he found is that the leading point scorer at the position could be much, much better.
We begin the morning after the day of tears which are fed to us by the souls of broken football players with a curious, nonsensical thought out of Houston yesterday that could soon lead to more breakage.
Texans head coach Gary Kubiak seems to think that Arian Foster can easily handle the punishment of his current workload, which is setting him on a collision course with a 400-carry season. And you know, he’s probably right. He’s right in the same way that if I said I can walk across four lanes of traffic without dying, there’s a reasonable chance I would be successful in that endeavor. Also, this…
Kubiak says Arian Foster can handle 400 carries. I can handle 8 shots of bourbon. Good decisions are not based on what someone can “handle.”
— Michael Tanier (@MikeTanier) October 2, 2012
Yes, it’s also similar to saying that if a wild bear approaches your dwelling, all you need to defend yourself is an angry old woman. Works every time, all the time.
We’re sure Foster can handle any amount of carries Kubiak would like to give him, and there’s a good chance he’ll survive the season just fine, even though he has a bit of an injury history after missing three games last year. That doesn’t make giving a running back — any running back, but especially not an elite one with Foster’s value — the second most single-season carries in league history a good idea.
