Archive for the ‘Chris Johnson’ Category

Another lengthy and very therapeutic Chris Johnson rant to start, and then we conclude by observing that through two weeks of the fantasy season, Robert Griffin III has been better than Aaron Rodgers, and it isn’t close.

Please, snack on some late game notes.

Chris Johnson isn’t even frustrating anymore, he’s just sad

There will be a support group for Chris Johnson owners soon. I picture us (yep, I include myself in that group, which is the worst group to be included in this side of NAMBLA ) jogging together. On a simple level it will function as an avenue to vent our frustrations while in the crisp, open air. We’ll move along briskly, conversing about the topics of the day, and generally do the same thing that every jogger does: convince yourself that you’re doing something good, when really you’re just enduring physical pain to kill mental pain.

There’s a catch, though. It’ll be brief, and it’ll actually come with very little pain because we’ll jog for the same amount of yards as he ran. Having bonded over Johnson and our common demoralizing sin, we’ll then proceed to consume children’s cough syrup.

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There were screams in the distance during the first Sunday of the NFL season. They came in many forms, but one was louder than all the others.

There was a distinct and defining intonation to these voices. They were not the product of fright, as the source hadn’t just been confronted by the world’s largest beardog, and a fear of the unknown after discovering a new, strange breed of monkey didn’t prompt instinctive primal screeches either. For some reason, though, those two events involving exotic creatures seem highly plausible on an NFL Sunday.

The screams were instead the result of bitter, crushing depression and anguish. The screams came from Chris Johnson owners who watched their running back get only four rushing yards on 11 carries.

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Chris Johnson has the kind of high hopes and big dreams that make the imaginations of small children seem like depressing, dreary places. He thinks he can beat Usain Bolt in a hypothetical 40-yard dash.

He also called up Evel Knievel’s family and said he can jump the grand canyon.

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