Archive for the ‘Homerism’ Category

What Sam taught me

Nine punts in I was ready to write a different column. Sam Bradford was playing terrible. That wasn’t exactly breaking news but as Bills fans continued to pray for a Quarterback that didn’t induce nausea it was worth noting where the Rams stood.

They have their guy. By default really. Faced with the prospect of cutting bait with Bradford and drafting RGIII to lead their franchise out of the abyss, Jeff Fisher traded the pick. Bradford or bust. Read the rest of this entry »

The weather was perfect.

Faced with what was supposed to be the most unwatchable game of the weekend — Jets/Cardinals, never forget — the forecast called for wet and dreary conditions. The crowd at the Ralph was nonplussed. Well those that showed up were. In an incredible display of self-restraint, a lot of season ticket holders stayed home today. Those that did show were treated to a rarity in the Chan Gailey era — a Buffalo win. Rather than chronicle the Bills performance in usual format, I went a different route this week. Read the rest of this entry »

No distance left to run

It appears we’ve come to the end.

The sight of Chan Gailey and Ryan Fitzpatrick makes me ill. I miss Brian Moorman. Where’s C.J? Stevie Johnson deserves better. The defense showed up. Our head coach is terrible.

I feel like I’ve written those things before. The thing about supporting this team, this bunch of hard-working, blue collar guys (Rich Gannon is a fucking horrible announcer), is expectations. I lied to myself again, for the millionth time. They’ll beat a shoddy Indianapolis team. They’ll come home and destroy Chad Henne and the Jacksonville Jaguars. I looked in the face of reality and paid no mind. For that I can only blame myself. Read the rest of this entry »

The lovely folks at Score Digital let me watch games on the weekends. Not even that, they pay me for it. For that I’m permanently indebted. This will never happen again. I assume Sal Paolantonio doesn’t give a fuck about said perks as he butters his bagels at Lincoln Financial Field.

With that said, I miss watching Bills games at bars. I miss watching games with a bunch of overgrown children who haven’t realized Dan Marino is an assclown. Straight up, Marino is Bashar Hafez al-Assad. Now that you’ve Googled said name and filed several justified complaints — I reached too far– let’s get to to the game.

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Losers I can love

We're cool, man.

Scene: Dive bar on the outskirts of Bogota. A bearded man sits in the back corner, waiting for the guy who sent that weird email in comic sans to arrive.

Sketchy individual: You really want to do this?

Robert Kraft: Of course. Anything to win. Let’s do this shit Tim Donaghy style.

I’m not one to play up conspiracies. Back when Loose Change was hoarding bandwidth in college dorms around the world I cast a skeptical eye. “It’s editing bro, trust.” is what I probably said. Yes, I was an asshole back then.

Beating the Patriots in New England is something the Bills don’t do. Steve Christie was our kicker the last time it happened. It doesn’t help when the referees do their best to help Tom and the boys coast to another win. Complaining about bad calls is useless, but the penalties against the Bills in the first half need to be acknowledged, and I’m not talking about the five flags on seven offensive plays in the first quarter. That’s on Chan. We’ll get to him later.

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If I have kids — based on my current relationship woes that’s an exceptionally large if — I’ll try to teach them some of the stuff I’ve learned. The biggest lesson: try new things.

There’s a Chinese restaurant near my house that always looked closed. Closed to the point where I assumed it was sold/under construction/shut down for major health code violation(s). Two nights ago my usual trek home from the cesspool that is the downtown core of Toronto led me past the place. It was open.  I decided to grab a bite, who knows if it would be open again. At the time the food was fantastic. Two hours later my stomach violently rejected General Tao and his minions. Shouldn’t have ate there. There’s a reason it’s always closed. But hey, I tried something new. Read the rest of this entry »

Little did we know.

As Hurricane Sandy approached the Eastern Seaboard on Monday, several commentators on both television and the internet recalled the last time an apocalyptic scenario had managed to infuse genuine fear amongst the populace.

We now know the ‘year 2000 problem’ — affectionately known as Y2K — was a small issue that didn’t cause airplanes to fall out of the sky and didn’t turn microwaves into pizza pocket heating machines of death. Those who actually knew the world wouldn’t explode were silenced by doomsayers with platforms far too large for their lack of credibility.

What I remember most — again, I got problems — about 1999 was the state of the Buffalo Bills heading into a new decade. Read the rest of this entry »